This last month, followed by the next couple of weeks, has been and will continue to be full of transition.
Dual parenting.
To single parenting 5/7 days a week.
Back to living under one roof.
Working full time.
To knowing I'm leaving in 2 weeks and trying to wrap everything up.
To staying at home for a little while and then working part time.
Living in chaos (housekeeping isn't my strong suit).
To living in a perfect show home I don't want to leave.
To living in a townhome we'll rent.
Reuben sleeping through the night for months.
To not.
To hopefully doing it again once we're all together.
It's a bizarre feeling. Trying to live life in Nashville, knowing I'll be in Knoxville at the end of the month. I'm trying not to pull away from friends here yet, but I'm working on establishing friendships over there at the same time.
I sort of feel like I'm just going on a really long vacation to Knoxville. I'm not entirely sure it's clicked in my head yet that I will LIVE there. When we come to Nashville from now on, we'll be visiting. We won't be coming home. That's weird.
The good news is that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has planned for us to go to Knoxville and we're simply following where he's leading us. That gives me a crazy amount of peace. I love Sevier Heights already. I love the people we've met. I love where we're going to live. I love that I'll get so much more time with Reuben. I love that we'll be near mountains. I love that we'll be closer to friends in Chattanooga. I love a lot of it.
I just don't love transition.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
hasta la vista house
I haven't blogged because I've been up to my eyeballs in house fixing-up. It was never ending, frustrating, and absolutely overwhelming. I spent the majority of last Wednesday in constant tears, thinking of what I needed to get done to get our house on the market by Thursday.
Without Clint.
WITH a teething toddler.
Thankfully, our parents stepped up in a BIG way and came to the rescue and it was all done by 7:30 that evening. I sent our realtor pictures to let him know it was as ready as it could be and to put it up the next morning. I wanted it on the market before I went to Knoxville so I could get it clean and it'd stay that way for showings on the weekend without me having to do it again and again. Clever, right? ;-)
I left early Friday morning to go to Knoxville for Mother's Day. Our realtor, Jeff, called and told us that there were 3 showings for the day. While Reuben was napping, Clint said we needed to start looking for a town house in Knoxville since I'd be there soon. I told him we should wait because I didn't want to find something so soon when the house wouldn't sell for a while.
He said "I've been praying God would sell the house this week. He's going to do it."
I agreed to go look at a couple of places, fell in love with one, and as we were driving home from seeing it, got a phone call from Jeff...
You guys...
Without Clint.
WITH a teething toddler.
Thankfully, our parents stepped up in a BIG way and came to the rescue and it was all done by 7:30 that evening. I sent our realtor pictures to let him know it was as ready as it could be and to put it up the next morning. I wanted it on the market before I went to Knoxville so I could get it clean and it'd stay that way for showings on the weekend without me having to do it again and again. Clever, right? ;-)
I left early Friday morning to go to Knoxville for Mother's Day. Our realtor, Jeff, called and told us that there were 3 showings for the day. While Reuben was napping, Clint said we needed to start looking for a town house in Knoxville since I'd be there soon. I told him we should wait because I didn't want to find something so soon when the house wouldn't sell for a while.
He said "I've been praying God would sell the house this week. He's going to do it."
I agreed to go look at a couple of places, fell in love with one, and as we were driving home from seeing it, got a phone call from Jeff...
You guys...
OUR HOUSE IS SOLD!!!
Seriously. In three days. I can't even believe it. I'll be in Knoxville permanently on June 1st. I can't even stand it, I'm so excited!!!
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
the body of Christ
It's been two years since our miscarriage today.
It's such a strange feeling. Part of me feels like it was a lifetime ago. But there's another part of me that can still feel the pain and loss like it happened yesterday.
I try to not let that part win.
I'm so incredibly thankful for Reuben and his life. I know that he wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost that baby, but I can't help but wonder who that baby would've grown up to be.
Would it be another rambunctious, mischievous, little boy? Or would I be having tea parties with my little tutu-wearing girl?
I saw my facebook post from that day on TimeHop...
I still feel this way two years later.
God had us positioned perfectly for Him to show his love for us through his Body. We had meals brought to us by our small group, prayers for and with us, and plenty of people to just BE with us. Nobody tried to fix anything or offer any encouraging words. They were just in it with us. And that's exactly what we needed.
I've said it before, but God used that baby's short life to change ours entirely. We came to fully understand the purpose of the Body of Christ. That we're to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Yes, we felt peace from knowing the baby was in heaven and that God had a plan, but that peace was amplified through our friends and family's love and support.
Since our loss, I've had several of my friends go through hard times where they need someone to be in it with them. They don't need to be told they'll get over it one day. They don't need to be told life goes on. They don't need to be told it could be worse. They need me to roll up my sleeves and get in there with them. To cry with them. To listen to them. To tell them, "You know what? This sucks. I'm so, so sorry."
Food never hurts, too. ;-)
But seriously. People need you WITH them. That's part of our job as a member of the Body. To let struggling people know God is WITH them. He hasn't left them to fend on their own. He's there for them even more than we ever could be. Sometimes it just takes a little reminding.
I wouldn't know that the way I do if it wasn't for that sweet, sweet little baby. I praise and thank God for it's life and legacy.
It's such a strange feeling. Part of me feels like it was a lifetime ago. But there's another part of me that can still feel the pain and loss like it happened yesterday.
I try to not let that part win.
I'm so incredibly thankful for Reuben and his life. I know that he wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost that baby, but I can't help but wonder who that baby would've grown up to be.
Would it be another rambunctious, mischievous, little boy? Or would I be having tea parties with my little tutu-wearing girl?
I saw my facebook post from that day on TimeHop...
I still feel this way two years later.
God had us positioned perfectly for Him to show his love for us through his Body. We had meals brought to us by our small group, prayers for and with us, and plenty of people to just BE with us. Nobody tried to fix anything or offer any encouraging words. They were just in it with us. And that's exactly what we needed.
I've said it before, but God used that baby's short life to change ours entirely. We came to fully understand the purpose of the Body of Christ. That we're to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Yes, we felt peace from knowing the baby was in heaven and that God had a plan, but that peace was amplified through our friends and family's love and support.
Since our loss, I've had several of my friends go through hard times where they need someone to be in it with them. They don't need to be told they'll get over it one day. They don't need to be told life goes on. They don't need to be told it could be worse. They need me to roll up my sleeves and get in there with them. To cry with them. To listen to them. To tell them, "You know what? This sucks. I'm so, so sorry."
Food never hurts, too. ;-)
But seriously. People need you WITH them. That's part of our job as a member of the Body. To let struggling people know God is WITH them. He hasn't left them to fend on their own. He's there for them even more than we ever could be. Sometimes it just takes a little reminding.
I wouldn't know that the way I do if it wasn't for that sweet, sweet little baby. I praise and thank God for it's life and legacy.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
hope: our next chapter
A few weeks after Reuben was born, Clint and I both had a strong feeling that God was calling us away from Long Hollow-our church, workplace, and family. We've both been here since we were kids and our whole world kind of revolves around it. Both of our families go here, we both work here, and just about every single one of our friends either goes or works here. We felt like God was wanting us to go somewhere new and stretch ourselves to grow, both as an adult and as a Christ follower.
To make a year long journey a short-ish story, over a year's time, Clint's had close to 10 opportunities present themselves to him. He hasn't looked for a single one. When the first one presented itself about a month after we felt the nudge from God, we were sure it was it. We even flew out to San Antonio to interview with their staff. We loved the people, the church, and the city, but found out it wasn't what God had planned for us. We were so disappointed, but then another opportunity arose in south Florida (who doesn't want to live there?!) and we figured THIS was it-why God shut the door to Texas.
But it wasn't.
And neither were the 5-6 things that followed that.
Most of them were just talks. "We may be having a position open soon. We'd love to talk to you about it" and then nothing more would come of it.
But every single time, we'd get our hopes up.
It's hard even thinking back on it. It's easily been the most frustrating year of my life. I've been so mad at and irritated with God. I felt abandoned. He had given us this sense of moving on and here we were, stuck where we've been for the last 12 years.
I had lost hope.
Then a friend called Clint and said he was going to throw his name out there for a position if it was alright with him. Clint said sure and then told me about it. I just chuckled and said whatever. I hardly thought anything of it.
And then when our friend called back and said they were interested, a little spark lit up in my heart. I wanted to think this could be it, but I was terrified to get my hopes up. They'd been let down and stepped on so many times. This scenario was too perfect. There was no way God would make us wait for a year just to hand us something so perfect, right? (My spirit was clearly in the wrong here, because scriptures tell us over and over again that that's exactly what He does!)
The next morning, I read this verse:
God is the God of HOPE! He desires that we overflow with hope. But not in our own power- in the power of the Holy Spirit.
At that point, the spark grew to a small flame and I started to really hope in the Lord-that he was faithful to fulfill our desires from him and that his timing was perfect. I asked some friends to pray with me and for me because I knew if this didn't work out, it was going to be really hard on me.
One thing led to another and...
To make a year long journey a short-ish story, over a year's time, Clint's had close to 10 opportunities present themselves to him. He hasn't looked for a single one. When the first one presented itself about a month after we felt the nudge from God, we were sure it was it. We even flew out to San Antonio to interview with their staff. We loved the people, the church, and the city, but found out it wasn't what God had planned for us. We were so disappointed, but then another opportunity arose in south Florida (who doesn't want to live there?!) and we figured THIS was it-why God shut the door to Texas.
But it wasn't.
And neither were the 5-6 things that followed that.
Most of them were just talks. "We may be having a position open soon. We'd love to talk to you about it" and then nothing more would come of it.
But every single time, we'd get our hopes up.
It's hard even thinking back on it. It's easily been the most frustrating year of my life. I've been so mad at and irritated with God. I felt abandoned. He had given us this sense of moving on and here we were, stuck where we've been for the last 12 years.
I had lost hope.
Then a friend called Clint and said he was going to throw his name out there for a position if it was alright with him. Clint said sure and then told me about it. I just chuckled and said whatever. I hardly thought anything of it.
And then when our friend called back and said they were interested, a little spark lit up in my heart. I wanted to think this could be it, but I was terrified to get my hopes up. They'd been let down and stepped on so many times. This scenario was too perfect. There was no way God would make us wait for a year just to hand us something so perfect, right? (My spirit was clearly in the wrong here, because scriptures tell us over and over again that that's exactly what He does!)
The next morning, I read this verse:
God is the God of HOPE! He desires that we overflow with hope. But not in our own power- in the power of the Holy Spirit.
At that point, the spark grew to a small flame and I started to really hope in the Lord-that he was faithful to fulfill our desires from him and that his timing was perfect. I asked some friends to pray with me and for me because I knew if this didn't work out, it was going to be really hard on me.
One thing led to another and...
It's exciting and scary all at the same time. We know without a shadow of a doubt this is where God wants us, but the unknowns are creeping up on us and it's hard to not let them get to you.
If you pray, pray with us that the Lord will continue to guide us through this process. We've got to sell our house and find another one-something neither of us has ever done. We'll also be separated for a while as I stay here with Reuben and continue to work until our house sells or until August, whichever comes first (definitely pray it doesn't take that long to sell our house!!!).
We will miss our friends and family here much more than I could ever convey over a blog post, but guess what? We're only 2.5 hours away! That's a day trip. So come and visit us!
We will miss our friends and family here much more than I could ever convey over a blog post, but guess what? We're only 2.5 hours away! That's a day trip. So come and visit us!
Friday, February 21, 2014
worth it.
Sunday was just one of those days.
Clint was leading worship, so he left before I really woke up.
Reuben fussed on and off from 4:00AM on so, before Clint left, I had him bring Reuben in bed with me. Great idea to get more sleep... until Reuben (who's basically my alarm clock) decided to sleep until 7:30.
So we woke up late. Rushed to get ready. Reuben fought his diaper change and putting on clothes tooth and nail. No time for either of us to eat a real breakfast, but no cash to pick up something on the way. We live 15-20 minutes away from church and we got in the car 10 minutes before service started.
We walked into the worship center during the last chorus of the last song of the worship set and turned around and left to walk into the choir room to see Clint and go into the mother's room to listen to the sermon/nurse/try and squeeze a nap in for Reuben.
Well little man was not having any of nursing or napping since he'd only been awake for an hour. So I fed him a few grapes I'd grabbed running out the door and let him crawl around while I half listened to a sermon/half made sure he wasn't destroying anything.
Then it was time for the nursery. It was his first week in a room away from me since he turned one the day before. He moved up to the "Crawlers" room, just a few rooms down from the itty bitty baby room where I serve. He started screaming the second he was out of my arms, and didn't stop screaming unless he was on the cart where all the fussy kids go. It was heartbreaking to hear my baby screaming at the top of his lungs when I couldn't do anything for him.
When it was finally time to pick him up, I realized I'd lost my pick-up tag. I went to his classroom, hoping they'd let me just take him since most people know us, but they wouldn't (which I do appreciate security wise!). He saw me leave again and started screaming louder until I got back with a reprinted sticker. He didn't even really calm down once he was in my arms. He was whimpering this pitiful little whimper and was breaking my heart all the way to the car.
We finally got in the car and he fell asleep and, of course, considered that his nap time. He didn't fall asleep again until around 1:30 and ended up sleeping in my arms until after 4:00. He was exhausted.
After all of that, I found myself frustrated we had even gone to church. If we had just stayed home and watched it online like I'd wanted to do the day after his party, none of this would've happened. It would've been a pleasant, stress-free morning.
But then God reminded me of something Clint had said the night before. He said, "Worshiping God is important to us. We have to start teaching him that NOW and making a routine of it. Going to church can't be optional. It's worth it."
Those words reminded me of a blog I'd read addressed to parents of young children in church. I went back to re-read the blog while I was holding a sleeping babe in my arms and these words stuck out:
So that awful Sunday morning that we had?
It was worth it.
Clint was leading worship, so he left before I really woke up.
Reuben fussed on and off from 4:00AM on so, before Clint left, I had him bring Reuben in bed with me. Great idea to get more sleep... until Reuben (who's basically my alarm clock) decided to sleep until 7:30.
So we woke up late. Rushed to get ready. Reuben fought his diaper change and putting on clothes tooth and nail. No time for either of us to eat a real breakfast, but no cash to pick up something on the way. We live 15-20 minutes away from church and we got in the car 10 minutes before service started.
We walked into the worship center during the last chorus of the last song of the worship set and turned around and left to walk into the choir room to see Clint and go into the mother's room to listen to the sermon/nurse/try and squeeze a nap in for Reuben.
Well little man was not having any of nursing or napping since he'd only been awake for an hour. So I fed him a few grapes I'd grabbed running out the door and let him crawl around while I half listened to a sermon/half made sure he wasn't destroying anything.
Then it was time for the nursery. It was his first week in a room away from me since he turned one the day before. He moved up to the "Crawlers" room, just a few rooms down from the itty bitty baby room where I serve. He started screaming the second he was out of my arms, and didn't stop screaming unless he was on the cart where all the fussy kids go. It was heartbreaking to hear my baby screaming at the top of his lungs when I couldn't do anything for him.
When it was finally time to pick him up, I realized I'd lost my pick-up tag. I went to his classroom, hoping they'd let me just take him since most people know us, but they wouldn't (which I do appreciate security wise!). He saw me leave again and started screaming louder until I got back with a reprinted sticker. He didn't even really calm down once he was in my arms. He was whimpering this pitiful little whimper and was breaking my heart all the way to the car.
We finally got in the car and he fell asleep and, of course, considered that his nap time. He didn't fall asleep again until around 1:30 and ended up sleeping in my arms until after 4:00. He was exhausted.
After all of that, I found myself frustrated we had even gone to church. If we had just stayed home and watched it online like I'd wanted to do the day after his party, none of this would've happened. It would've been a pleasant, stress-free morning.
But then God reminded me of something Clint had said the night before. He said, "Worshiping God is important to us. We have to start teaching him that NOW and making a routine of it. Going to church can't be optional. It's worth it."
Those words reminded me of a blog I'd read addressed to parents of young children in church. I went back to re-read the blog while I was holding a sleeping babe in my arms and these words stuck out:
"I know how hard it is to do what you’re doing, but I want you to know, it matters. It matters to me. It matters to my children to not be alone in the pew. It matters to the congregation to know that families care about faith, to see young people… and even on those weeks when you can’t see the little moments, it matters to your children."So as I sat there, cuddling Reuben, I thanked God for the blessing and privilege of being the one to teach him about God. It's a huge responsibility and one that I can't take lightly. He's entrusted Reuben to me as a gift. To raise him up into a godly man who will impact the world for the Kingdom of God.
So that awful Sunday morning that we had?
It was worth it.
Monday, November 11, 2013
thankfulness
I love this time of year.
It reminds me to count my blessings, one by one.
I have a LOT to be thankful for.
I know, I know... I should be thankful all year long, not just in November. And I am. But I love really, really honing in on all the blessings God has given me and rejoicing in them.
This year especially. There's a lot going on in my life I could complain about, and I've given into that temptation more than I'd really like, but when I focus on the good things, the bad things fade away and don't seem that bad.
Happiness is temporary and fleeting.
Joy is God-given and eternal.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
the Lord gives. the Lord takes away. Part 2.
Make sure you read part one before reading this.
So, the Lord had given us a baby.
And then the Lord took that baby away to be with Him.
I had been meditating in the fact that no matter what, the Lord was to be praised, but seriously? Why couldn't he have just given us that precious babe and never taken it away? Why did he have to bring that scripture up to me over and over and over again? It was like rubbing salt in a wound. Every time I thought of it, I'd instantly be angry that I had to know the side of praising the Lord even when He took something away. Let's be real. It's easy to praise the Lord when He's given us something! When he's taken that something away? It gets a lot harder.
The days following the miscarriage I cried. A LOT. Like an ugly, ugly cry. I'd never felt pain/hurt/sorrow like I did in those days. I was mad at God. SO mad. It wasn't fair. And I felt broken. Why couldn't my body carry a baby? And I felt so, so, so alone. Every where I looked was a reminder of the baby that wasn't going to be coming home with us in December.
But you know what?
Through all of it, God was good. More than good. He was great.
I'm honestly having a hard time putting into words how well He took care of us and how much he blessed us through the following days, but I want to share some moments so that He gets the glory and so that I'll never forget. Some of them are huge and some of them are so small you'll probably laugh that I even consider them a God thing. But every single one was proof of God not leaving us and was loving us so, so well...
- On Sunday, before we knew for sure what was happening, we jokingly said if we lost the baby, we'd tack on a trip to Disney World before our cruise because "You can't be sad at the happiest place on Earth." When we got off the phone with the nurse on Monday afternoon, Clint said, "Looks like we're heading to Disney." We had no money for that. Like zero. But we needed to get away. To put our minds somewhere else after the 48 hours of torture they'd already endured. Well, between Monday afternoon and Tuesday night before we'd gone to bed, we'd gotten a little over $500 out of no where. We hadn't asked anybody for a single penny, but between friends and family feeling prompted by God, we'd gotten close to $225 and then opened an envelope from our bank that had a $300 check from "overages on our escrow." I asked my dad if that happened a lot and he said no and we've never seen a check like it since that night. The money we'd gotten covered our gas, hotel room, tickets, and food in the park PERFECTLY. None left over, but nothing uncovered.
- Our friends went above and beyond taking care of us. We let our small group know what was going on Sunday and they jumped into action. Our friends Micha and Hunter came over with lunch, watched a movie with us, and prayed over us before they left. Our other friends Cara and Jason dropped off a surprise on our doorstep of goodies for our trip. We had constant texts telling us they were praying for us and encouragement for the long road ahead. God has surrounded us with the best friends we could ever ask for.
- A guy who works in our student ministry as a volunteer worked for Gaylord at the time and told us earlier in the year that he'd hook us up with a room at Gaylord Palms and a car to and from our cruise ship for only $100. We gladly took him up on the offer! So fast forward to Friday. We're exhausted by 6:00 pm because neither of us had been sleeping well so we decided to peace out of Magic Kingdom and go to our room and try and get sleep before our cruise. When we got to our room, we found out it wasn't an average room. He'd gotten us a suite that was bigger than our first apartment! It was gigantic. and perfect. and exactly the surprise we needed to lift our spirits.
- Sitting in our massive suite, our moods still started to droop. Night times were just so hard. Clint was getting ready for bed in the bathroom and I was sitting in the living room, trying not to cry when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and It was a tray full of goodies with a note from JB. Not only were there goodies, they were my FAVORITE goodies! It was Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke, chocolate chip cookies with milk, Peanut M&MS, and a few bags of potato chips. There was no way they knew those were all of my favorite guilty pleasures. It was a God thing. He knew I needed that little ray of sun in that moment.
- We booked our cruise in March 2011 and had it paid off 4-5 months before any of this ever happened. It was not a coincidence that it was 6 days after our miscarriage. The Lord knew we were going to need to get away and had provided it, before we ever knew it was a need.
Those are just the moments that happened the week after. There've been countless more. Like the fact God put me in a small group of staff wives where 4 out of the other 6 had experienced pregnancy loss. Or the time two dear friends prayed over me, at two different times, saying they felt like the Lord was going to give us another child soon, while I was already pregnant with Reuben and had no idea!
My relationship with Clint and with God changed completely on April 22, 2012. I know, love, and trust Clint in a deeper way than before. We grew up a lot. We were forced to be honest with each other. We saw sides of each other we'd never seen before, even after being best friends since middle school. And I know, love, and trust God more now than I ever have. I had to rely on him. He was my only hope. My only constant in a crazy storm. The only one who had any answers and who could provide comfort that passed all understanding.
Yes, we have a sweet child here on Earth with us now. And pray that we'll have more and more. But there will always be a special place in my heart for that baby. I long for the day I get to meet them in heaven. Until then, my prayer is that their life, no matter how short it was, will count. That what I learned from it will be able to help other women going through the same thing. You are NOT alone.
I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever ask to be put through that. Like, EVER. But.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God. Is. Good.
So, the Lord had given us a baby.
And then the Lord took that baby away to be with Him.
I had been meditating in the fact that no matter what, the Lord was to be praised, but seriously? Why couldn't he have just given us that precious babe and never taken it away? Why did he have to bring that scripture up to me over and over and over again? It was like rubbing salt in a wound. Every time I thought of it, I'd instantly be angry that I had to know the side of praising the Lord even when He took something away. Let's be real. It's easy to praise the Lord when He's given us something! When he's taken that something away? It gets a lot harder.
The days following the miscarriage I cried. A LOT. Like an ugly, ugly cry. I'd never felt pain/hurt/sorrow like I did in those days. I was mad at God. SO mad. It wasn't fair. And I felt broken. Why couldn't my body carry a baby? And I felt so, so, so alone. Every where I looked was a reminder of the baby that wasn't going to be coming home with us in December.
But you know what?
Through all of it, God was good. More than good. He was great.
I'm honestly having a hard time putting into words how well He took care of us and how much he blessed us through the following days, but I want to share some moments so that He gets the glory and so that I'll never forget. Some of them are huge and some of them are so small you'll probably laugh that I even consider them a God thing. But every single one was proof of God not leaving us and was loving us so, so well...
- On Sunday, before we knew for sure what was happening, we jokingly said if we lost the baby, we'd tack on a trip to Disney World before our cruise because "You can't be sad at the happiest place on Earth." When we got off the phone with the nurse on Monday afternoon, Clint said, "Looks like we're heading to Disney." We had no money for that. Like zero. But we needed to get away. To put our minds somewhere else after the 48 hours of torture they'd already endured. Well, between Monday afternoon and Tuesday night before we'd gone to bed, we'd gotten a little over $500 out of no where. We hadn't asked anybody for a single penny, but between friends and family feeling prompted by God, we'd gotten close to $225 and then opened an envelope from our bank that had a $300 check from "overages on our escrow." I asked my dad if that happened a lot and he said no and we've never seen a check like it since that night. The money we'd gotten covered our gas, hotel room, tickets, and food in the park PERFECTLY. None left over, but nothing uncovered.
- Our friends went above and beyond taking care of us. We let our small group know what was going on Sunday and they jumped into action. Our friends Micha and Hunter came over with lunch, watched a movie with us, and prayed over us before they left. Our other friends Cara and Jason dropped off a surprise on our doorstep of goodies for our trip. We had constant texts telling us they were praying for us and encouragement for the long road ahead. God has surrounded us with the best friends we could ever ask for.
- A guy who works in our student ministry as a volunteer worked for Gaylord at the time and told us earlier in the year that he'd hook us up with a room at Gaylord Palms and a car to and from our cruise ship for only $100. We gladly took him up on the offer! So fast forward to Friday. We're exhausted by 6:00 pm because neither of us had been sleeping well so we decided to peace out of Magic Kingdom and go to our room and try and get sleep before our cruise. When we got to our room, we found out it wasn't an average room. He'd gotten us a suite that was bigger than our first apartment! It was gigantic. and perfect. and exactly the surprise we needed to lift our spirits.
- Sitting in our massive suite, our moods still started to droop. Night times were just so hard. Clint was getting ready for bed in the bathroom and I was sitting in the living room, trying not to cry when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and It was a tray full of goodies with a note from JB. Not only were there goodies, they were my FAVORITE goodies! It was Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke, chocolate chip cookies with milk, Peanut M&MS, and a few bags of potato chips. There was no way they knew those were all of my favorite guilty pleasures. It was a God thing. He knew I needed that little ray of sun in that moment.
- We booked our cruise in March 2011 and had it paid off 4-5 months before any of this ever happened. It was not a coincidence that it was 6 days after our miscarriage. The Lord knew we were going to need to get away and had provided it, before we ever knew it was a need.
Those are just the moments that happened the week after. There've been countless more. Like the fact God put me in a small group of staff wives where 4 out of the other 6 had experienced pregnancy loss. Or the time two dear friends prayed over me, at two different times, saying they felt like the Lord was going to give us another child soon, while I was already pregnant with Reuben and had no idea!
My relationship with Clint and with God changed completely on April 22, 2012. I know, love, and trust Clint in a deeper way than before. We grew up a lot. We were forced to be honest with each other. We saw sides of each other we'd never seen before, even after being best friends since middle school. And I know, love, and trust God more now than I ever have. I had to rely on him. He was my only hope. My only constant in a crazy storm. The only one who had any answers and who could provide comfort that passed all understanding.
Yes, we have a sweet child here on Earth with us now. And pray that we'll have more and more. But there will always be a special place in my heart for that baby. I long for the day I get to meet them in heaven. Until then, my prayer is that their life, no matter how short it was, will count. That what I learned from it will be able to help other women going through the same thing. You are NOT alone.
I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever ask to be put through that. Like, EVER. But.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God. Is. Good.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
the Lord gives. the Lord takes away. Part 1.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I've been feeling prompted to share my (God's) story and I can't let this month pass by without doing it. It's a long story so I'm breaking it up in part one and part two. Here goes...
I can't for the life of me remember why I decided to take a test that Monday night. Clint was staying with our pastor's sons while he and his wife were out of town and I'd just left them for the evening at Buffalo Wild Wings. I wonder if something had tasted funny and got me to thinking, "When was I supposed to start again? Oh yea. Today."
Whatever it was, I decided to take a test when I got home. Just me and our dogs. I went to the bathroom and left the test to do it's thing while I let the dogs out. I came back 5 minutes later, just like the test told me to... and there was a second line. WHAT?!?!?! So obviously, I freak out. Like have a mini panic attack. I call Clint, trying to be calm...
Me: Um... I need you to come home.
Clint: Why?
Me: Because.
Clint: Because, why? I can't just leave Sam and Josh here.
Me: BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT AND FREAKING OUT IS WHY!!!
Clint: What?!
Me: I'm pregnant. Don't you dare tell Josh and Sam. Just get here. Now.
As I sat there and waited for him, I started to journal. We'd been trying for quite a few months by that point, and I wanted to remember every second of this moment. The only thing I could think of was Job 1:21.
We wrote "Baby Lamberth December 2012" on that chalkboard heart for our announcement shots.
Clint was telling me in this picture he hoped the baby "had my brains."
I can't for the life of me remember why I decided to take a test that Monday night. Clint was staying with our pastor's sons while he and his wife were out of town and I'd just left them for the evening at Buffalo Wild Wings. I wonder if something had tasted funny and got me to thinking, "When was I supposed to start again? Oh yea. Today."
Whatever it was, I decided to take a test when I got home. Just me and our dogs. I went to the bathroom and left the test to do it's thing while I let the dogs out. I came back 5 minutes later, just like the test told me to... and there was a second line. WHAT?!?!?! So obviously, I freak out. Like have a mini panic attack. I call Clint, trying to be calm...
Me: Um... I need you to come home.
Clint: Why?
Me: Because.
Clint: Because, why? I can't just leave Sam and Josh here.
Me: BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT AND FREAKING OUT IS WHY!!!
Clint: What?!
Me: I'm pregnant. Don't you dare tell Josh and Sam. Just get here. Now.
As I sat there and waited for him, I started to journal. We'd been trying for quite a few months by that point, and I wanted to remember every second of this moment. The only thing I could think of was Job 1:21.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
I knew how delicate new life is and I knew I wanted to love and celebrate this baby that God had given me for this moment because I wasn't guaranteed another.
Clint got home and we screamed and celebrated. Called our best friends, Jonathan and Miriam, and just tried to let it soak in.
We were going to be parents.
I was about 5 weeks along and we started doing all of the exciting baby things we'd been talking about doing. We went to Target to find some cute stuff as gifts to tell our parents. We got Clint's parents a little onesie that said something about grandma and we got my parents a copy of "Go Dog Go" because it was my favorite book when I was little and wrote in there it was for them to read to their grandbaby. We recorded it all. They were and still are precious memories.
We had scheduled a Disney cruise for the end of the month and a couple of the excursions weren't pregnancy friendly so I went online and canceled them, joyfully.
We had some family pictures scheduled with our photographer, Amelia Moore, for that Friday. What perfect timing! We could take announcement pictures to use when we were in the safe zone AND capture our life before baby in one shoot. Plus, Amelia had shot our wedding. How cool that she was going to be able to capture this next step.
We wrote "Baby Lamberth December 2012" on that chalkboard heart for our announcement shots.
Clint was telling me in this picture he hoped the baby "had my brains."
We were so deliriously happy and in love.
Sunday morning I got up around 6:00 and had to pee. I wiped and saw the slightest tinge of pink and honestly didn't think much of it. Clint left to go to church and I went back to sleep since I didn't have to be there until 10:30. When I got up for the day and went to the bathroom, I saw more pink. I started to get uncomfortable seeing it, but I'd read it was normal. By the time it was time to go to church, it was a lot more than pink. I knew something wasn't right. I called Clint and told him. Told him I couldn't come to church. Told him I needed him to come home. I'd called the doctor on call at my OBGYN and she said to just stay in bed and come in the next day, but that if I was losing it, there was nothing they could do about it.
I got off the phone with Clint and have never, ever felt so alone and desperate in my life. I sat in my bed literally crying out to God to save our baby. To make all of it go away. I was reminded so many times throughout the day that it wasn't going anywhere. Things were only looking more and more grim.
After some blood tests on Monday, it was confirmed that the baby had died. My levels were no where near where they should've been at 6 weeks. I'd had a miscarriage. I was no longer pregnant.
We weren't going to be parents.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
not mine.
The further I get into being a mom, the more motherhood is being turned upside down for me.
I've caught myself calling Reuben "mine" more and more. He's "my" son. I decide what's best for him. I know what he needs. I know how to comfort him. I know what to do.
There's a whole lotta "my" and "I" in those sentences.
I heard some news today that rocked me to my core. I don't really want to share anything because it's not my news to share.
But I'll tell you this...
It's reminded me Reuben is NOT MINE.
He is GOD'S.
The Lord has blessed me with this giggly, strong willed, joyful little boy. I've done absolutely nothing to deserve him. Honestly, I don't deserve such a wonderful gift.
But God's entrusted him to me anyways, because that's how good He is.
He is God's. GOD knows what's best for him. GOD knows what he needs. GOD knows how to comfort him. GOD knows what to do.
I need to find the answers in God. I need to raise Reuben up knowing the truths of God. He's been given to me for the last 7.5 months and every single day has been a gift I don't deserve. If God decides to take him to heaven tomorrow, that's ultimately what's best for him.
He. Is. Not. MINE.
What a joy it is to have him in my life.
I've caught myself calling Reuben "mine" more and more. He's "my" son. I decide what's best for him. I know what he needs. I know how to comfort him. I know what to do.
There's a whole lotta "my" and "I" in those sentences.
I heard some news today that rocked me to my core. I don't really want to share anything because it's not my news to share.
But I'll tell you this...
It's reminded me Reuben is NOT MINE.
He is GOD'S.
The Lord has blessed me with this giggly, strong willed, joyful little boy. I've done absolutely nothing to deserve him. Honestly, I don't deserve such a wonderful gift.
But God's entrusted him to me anyways, because that's how good He is.
He is God's. GOD knows what's best for him. GOD knows what he needs. GOD knows how to comfort him. GOD knows what to do.
I need to find the answers in God. I need to raise Reuben up knowing the truths of God. He's been given to me for the last 7.5 months and every single day has been a gift I don't deserve. If God decides to take him to heaven tomorrow, that's ultimately what's best for him.
He. Is. Not. MINE.
What a joy it is to have him in my life.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Reuben's Birth Story (pt. 4)
Let me start this by saying Dr. McGuinn is a rockstar. If any of y'all are in the Nashville area and looking for an OBGYN, go to her. You won't regret it.
So we're wheeling down to the OR. Leaving Clint outside the door was kinda scary. I felt pretty alone for a couple seconds until I saw Dr. McGuinn already in there. Maybe it's just me but I was pretty shocked at how close I felt to her. I mean we're not BFF or anything, but having her in there was instantly comforting. She stood in front of me and held my hands while they were doing the spinal block, which I hear is pretty rare for a doctor to do. She made sure to tell me how great of a candidate I was for a VBAC because she knew how badly I wanted to avoid a c-section at all costs.
The spinal didn't hurt a single bit. Apparently I have "a great spine." So they got me laid down and got Clint in there with me. They put up the curtain and started asking if I could feel anything and I couldn't. I'm tellin' ya- it's bizarre how quickly the medicine kicked in and I couldn't feel ANYTHING. The nurses and stuff in there were phenomenal. They were so encouraging and kept us calm and collected. They said my BP would probably drop a lot from the anesthesia and I'd start getting nauseous so I needed to let them know so they could fix it. Well lo and behold that happened so I told them and with the press of a button, they sent some medicine into my IV that took every bit of nausea away. Medicine is crazy to me!
Next then I know, I heard her say it was time to get him out. She said I'd feel a little bit of pressure while they got him out and they weren't kidding. It seriously felt like a sumo wrestler jumped on my chest. It took all the breath out of me. but I could care less because next thing I know I hear a baby screaming and she lifted him up over the curtain for me to see (I have a picture but it's pretty nasty so I'll save Reuben's dignity and keep it off here haha). I had always imagined this crazy emotional moment of meeting him for the first time... and it was nothing like that. I laughed. I was just so happy he was here that I was laughing with joy! They wrapped him up and put him on my chest and I got my first good look at him. It was seriously love at first sight.
It wasn't really a mutual love then, but that ok with me ;-)
I heard them say APGAR score of 9 and that was like music to my ears. He was full term, but I still was nervous something'd be wrong with him. Plus, after having a miscarriage, there's a part of me that thought there'd always be something wrong with my babies, like I'd never have a "normal" pregnancy.
They weighed him and called out his weight "6 pounds, 7 ounces" and I literally said "Excuse me?" I was SO sure we'd have a massive baby. I was 9.5 lbs and Clint was 8 lbs at 36 weeks. So we were not prepared for such a little guy.
They got him cleaned up and handed him back to me. Let me pause here and say how incredibly thankful I am that Baptist has that policy. They let us keep him, and even me hold him, the entire time they were closing me up. It was wonderful!
And of course we had to get our very first family portrait.
It was absolutely the craziest, scariest, happiest, best day of our lives.
So we're wheeling down to the OR. Leaving Clint outside the door was kinda scary. I felt pretty alone for a couple seconds until I saw Dr. McGuinn already in there. Maybe it's just me but I was pretty shocked at how close I felt to her. I mean we're not BFF or anything, but having her in there was instantly comforting. She stood in front of me and held my hands while they were doing the spinal block, which I hear is pretty rare for a doctor to do. She made sure to tell me how great of a candidate I was for a VBAC because she knew how badly I wanted to avoid a c-section at all costs.
The spinal didn't hurt a single bit. Apparently I have "a great spine." So they got me laid down and got Clint in there with me. They put up the curtain and started asking if I could feel anything and I couldn't. I'm tellin' ya- it's bizarre how quickly the medicine kicked in and I couldn't feel ANYTHING. The nurses and stuff in there were phenomenal. They were so encouraging and kept us calm and collected. They said my BP would probably drop a lot from the anesthesia and I'd start getting nauseous so I needed to let them know so they could fix it. Well lo and behold that happened so I told them and with the press of a button, they sent some medicine into my IV that took every bit of nausea away. Medicine is crazy to me!
Next then I know, I heard her say it was time to get him out. She said I'd feel a little bit of pressure while they got him out and they weren't kidding. It seriously felt like a sumo wrestler jumped on my chest. It took all the breath out of me. but I could care less because next thing I know I hear a baby screaming and she lifted him up over the curtain for me to see (I have a picture but it's pretty nasty so I'll save Reuben's dignity and keep it off here haha). I had always imagined this crazy emotional moment of meeting him for the first time... and it was nothing like that. I laughed. I was just so happy he was here that I was laughing with joy! They wrapped him up and put him on my chest and I got my first good look at him. It was seriously love at first sight.
I heard them say APGAR score of 9 and that was like music to my ears. He was full term, but I still was nervous something'd be wrong with him. Plus, after having a miscarriage, there's a part of me that thought there'd always be something wrong with my babies, like I'd never have a "normal" pregnancy.
They weighed him and called out his weight "6 pounds, 7 ounces" and I literally said "Excuse me?" I was SO sure we'd have a massive baby. I was 9.5 lbs and Clint was 8 lbs at 36 weeks. So we were not prepared for such a little guy.
They got him cleaned up and handed him back to me. Let me pause here and say how incredibly thankful I am that Baptist has that policy. They let us keep him, and even me hold him, the entire time they were closing me up. It was wonderful!
And of course we had to get our very first family portrait.
It was absolutely the craziest, scariest, happiest, best day of our lives.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Reuben's Birth Story (pt. 3)
Um... excuse me?
We're not going home without a baby?
I kinda started freaking out inside. I mean, I had prayed to get this baby out, but I didn't really think it'd happen! She told me I had severe pre-eclampisa and the only way to cure it was to deliver the baby. She said my shoulders hurting concerned her about my liver and they were going to draw some blood to check my levels, but everything should be ok. I'd made some good progress so they'd start me on pitocin and I'd have a baby either late that night or the next morning.
So off we went to the hospital. We called everyone who needed to know. My dad had to turn around and drive right home from North Carolina. The hardest person to call was my best friend, Miriam. She moved to Chicago last year and we had the perfect birth plan lined out to get her down for Reuben's birth, but it just couldn't work with a 3 week early induction.
We got checked in to the hospital around 11:45 and got our last family of two picture in!
Then I met our nurse, Bonnie. Bonnie was intense. I knew I was "sick" even though I felt great, but she kinda acted like I was a breath away from dying. My room was a phone, light, TV, talking, basically, fun-free zone. I had to lay on my left side with no one talking to me while they got stuff figured out. I had IVs started and my blood drawn and just hung out in my cold, dark room.
Dr. McGuinn came in pretty quick with my blood test results and said my platelets were low. Like really, really low. I don't know exactly what numbers mean but she said they were supposed to be in the 200s and mine were only 70. She had an anesthesiologist come in and they told me they'd only do an epidural if my platelets were 80 or higher. I asked Dr. McGuinn if there was really a chance they'd go up and she said maybe. So they checked my blood for the second time in an hour, while we prayed they'd go up!
In the meantime, we got moved to a real L&D room and they started me on pitocin. They figured they might as well start since nobody was really sure what was going to happen. My results came in soon after… my platelets were at 68. There was no going up. She told me the two scenarios she could think of:
1. Labor naturally. But odds of that were very, very slim because I still had 7.5 cm to go and if my BP got too high because of the pain there was a chance I could have a seizure or stroke. Then I'd have to have an emergency c-section and by that time they weren't sure if I'd have enough platelets to not bleed out during surgery.
2. C-section with general anesthesia. They'd knock me out so they could safely get him out, but it'd be hours and hours before I could see him. He'd be drowsy and I wouldn't remember anything. Not cool.
So Clint (who was secretly freaking out but hiding it well) went to see our parents in the waiting room and sent my mom in to be with me while they were figuring out what they wanted to do with me. My mom had pre-ecclampsia with me and my brother so she knew how sitting in a dark room alone felt. I was getting pretty upset because I didn't like either of my options and I didn't want to have to decide. I prayed that God would lead them in the right direction.
I said "amen" and the door opened and a guy I'd never seen walked in with Bonnie, my new nurse, Kirsten, the anesthesiologist and their helper, and my doctor. He sat down on my bed and told me he was a high risk maternal medicine dr that Dr. McGuinn had brought on my case to help her through. He went through the speel of how sick I was and all that jazz that I was so tired of hearing and then told me something I hadn't heard yet. He'd spoken with the anesthesiologists and they'd agreed to do a spinal block for a c-section, but only if we did it then.
Like RIGHT then.
They were prepping me without me even realizing it because I was so zoned into what this new doctor was telling me. I bust into tears from being so overwhelmed and asked my mom to go get Clint. He needed to be there. As she was walking out the door, he was walking in. The nurse handed him some scrubs and told him to put them on. Talk about being shocked! Poor guy. He handled it like a champ though! He was so strong through all of it. God knew I wouldn't be able to make it through without him. We prayed that God would be with Dr. McGuinn and get Reuben here safely and then just kind of breathed and laughed at how crazy of a day it'd been!
Then it was off to the OR!
We're not going home without a baby?
I kinda started freaking out inside. I mean, I had prayed to get this baby out, but I didn't really think it'd happen! She told me I had severe pre-eclampisa and the only way to cure it was to deliver the baby. She said my shoulders hurting concerned her about my liver and they were going to draw some blood to check my levels, but everything should be ok. I'd made some good progress so they'd start me on pitocin and I'd have a baby either late that night or the next morning.
So off we went to the hospital. We called everyone who needed to know. My dad had to turn around and drive right home from North Carolina. The hardest person to call was my best friend, Miriam. She moved to Chicago last year and we had the perfect birth plan lined out to get her down for Reuben's birth, but it just couldn't work with a 3 week early induction.
We got checked in to the hospital around 11:45 and got our last family of two picture in!
Then I met our nurse, Bonnie. Bonnie was intense. I knew I was "sick" even though I felt great, but she kinda acted like I was a breath away from dying. My room was a phone, light, TV, talking, basically, fun-free zone. I had to lay on my left side with no one talking to me while they got stuff figured out. I had IVs started and my blood drawn and just hung out in my cold, dark room.
Dr. McGuinn came in pretty quick with my blood test results and said my platelets were low. Like really, really low. I don't know exactly what numbers mean but she said they were supposed to be in the 200s and mine were only 70. She had an anesthesiologist come in and they told me they'd only do an epidural if my platelets were 80 or higher. I asked Dr. McGuinn if there was really a chance they'd go up and she said maybe. So they checked my blood for the second time in an hour, while we prayed they'd go up!
In the meantime, we got moved to a real L&D room and they started me on pitocin. They figured they might as well start since nobody was really sure what was going to happen. My results came in soon after… my platelets were at 68. There was no going up. She told me the two scenarios she could think of:
1. Labor naturally. But odds of that were very, very slim because I still had 7.5 cm to go and if my BP got too high because of the pain there was a chance I could have a seizure or stroke. Then I'd have to have an emergency c-section and by that time they weren't sure if I'd have enough platelets to not bleed out during surgery.
2. C-section with general anesthesia. They'd knock me out so they could safely get him out, but it'd be hours and hours before I could see him. He'd be drowsy and I wouldn't remember anything. Not cool.
So Clint (who was secretly freaking out but hiding it well) went to see our parents in the waiting room and sent my mom in to be with me while they were figuring out what they wanted to do with me. My mom had pre-ecclampsia with me and my brother so she knew how sitting in a dark room alone felt. I was getting pretty upset because I didn't like either of my options and I didn't want to have to decide. I prayed that God would lead them in the right direction.
I said "amen" and the door opened and a guy I'd never seen walked in with Bonnie, my new nurse, Kirsten, the anesthesiologist and their helper, and my doctor. He sat down on my bed and told me he was a high risk maternal medicine dr that Dr. McGuinn had brought on my case to help her through. He went through the speel of how sick I was and all that jazz that I was so tired of hearing and then told me something I hadn't heard yet. He'd spoken with the anesthesiologists and they'd agreed to do a spinal block for a c-section, but only if we did it then.
Like RIGHT then.
They were prepping me without me even realizing it because I was so zoned into what this new doctor was telling me. I bust into tears from being so overwhelmed and asked my mom to go get Clint. He needed to be there. As she was walking out the door, he was walking in. The nurse handed him some scrubs and told him to put them on. Talk about being shocked! Poor guy. He handled it like a champ though! He was so strong through all of it. God knew I wouldn't be able to make it through without him. We prayed that God would be with Dr. McGuinn and get Reuben here safely and then just kind of breathed and laughed at how crazy of a day it'd been!
Then it was off to the OR!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Reuben's Birth Story (pt. 2)
After Clint helped me gather myself, we got in the car to head to work. We headed to McDonalds to get a large diet coke (at this point I had thrown out the limited caffeine rule) and some breakfast. All I could stomach was a hash brown and a few sips of coke. Clint mentioned he thought I should call my doctor, but I brushed it off. What could she do besides tell me to take tylenol for sore muscles?
When I walked into work, my boss asked how I was feeling that day. Normally, in the South, you'd be polite and say, "Good, thanks. You?" I was way past that. I told him exactly how horrible I felt. His wife was pregnant with their second and due just a few weeks after me, so he had been researching some stuff the night before and asked me about swelling, headaches, and a few other things. I said I didn't have any of those, but he said he still thought it wouldn't hurt to call my doctor and just see what they thought. I figured I might as well. It couldn't hurt. So I called and left a message for my nurse, breaking down the last couple of days and how miserable they'd been. My nurse normally took a while to call back, so I sat down, on my exercise ball (gotta keep moving that baby down, people!), and started working. I was shocked when she called back 15 minutes later.
Her: Well, Stephanie, if I was a betting woman, I'd bet you're in labor and you're just laboring in your back.
Me: I really don't think so. I took tylenol about 30 minutes ago and I feel great right now. That wouldn't help contractions, would it?
Her: Probably not, but why don't you and Clint go ahead and pack your bags and come on in and we'll figure out what's going on.
Me: (laughing) Um... ok, I guess!
I called Clint and told him, let Eric know what was going on, and headed out. People in the office saw me leaving and asked if we were going to have the baby and I had to reply with, "I don't know. We're going to find out!"
So we got home around 9:30 and took our sweet time packing. When it came time to load the car up, we couldn't figure out if we should bring the carseat or not. It had just come in the day before and we hadn't had time to install it or anything. Clint said it wasn't worth trying to install it now since we wouldn't need it and I almost agreed, but then we decided to just throw it in the back just in case...
We got to the Dr. and did the whole pee in a cup and weigh yourself routine. This may be TMI, but I don't really care... I noticed my pee was a really funny color. I had been drinking water like a champ my whole pregnancy so it had always been clear. Not now. It was a weird brown color. I figured I hadn't had enough to drink in the last couple hours. I also noticed I had gained 5.5 lbs since my appointment 6 days ago, but I hadn't taken the time to take off my shoes and sweatshirt so I didn't think too much of that either.
I got called back and my nurse stuck that strip in my pee just like she had done every other check up. But this time she didn't just look at it and move on. She loooooooked at it. Stuck another test strip in the pee. Looked at that one. Stuck another strip in pee. Looked at that one. And then did it again! Then she took my blood pressure and went "hmmmmmm" as she listened for my heartbeat to start back up. She took the cuff off and said, "This may not be labor, but something's up. I'm gonna let Dr. McGuinn look at your chart." Then she moved us to the check-up room. Once we were in the room, I remember praying something along the lines of, "God, I don't care what you have to do as long as we're both healthy at the end of it, even if its preecclampsia and I have to be induced. I just want him OUT!"
A few minutes later my doctor walked in and asked which hospital I was delivering at. I told her and she shouted it down the hall. Then she closed the door and said
"Ok, they know you're coming. We're going over there and getting this sweet baby out of you. Today."
When I walked into work, my boss asked how I was feeling that day. Normally, in the South, you'd be polite and say, "Good, thanks. You?" I was way past that. I told him exactly how horrible I felt. His wife was pregnant with their second and due just a few weeks after me, so he had been researching some stuff the night before and asked me about swelling, headaches, and a few other things. I said I didn't have any of those, but he said he still thought it wouldn't hurt to call my doctor and just see what they thought. I figured I might as well. It couldn't hurt. So I called and left a message for my nurse, breaking down the last couple of days and how miserable they'd been. My nurse normally took a while to call back, so I sat down, on my exercise ball (gotta keep moving that baby down, people!), and started working. I was shocked when she called back 15 minutes later.
Her: Well, Stephanie, if I was a betting woman, I'd bet you're in labor and you're just laboring in your back.
Me: I really don't think so. I took tylenol about 30 minutes ago and I feel great right now. That wouldn't help contractions, would it?
Her: Probably not, but why don't you and Clint go ahead and pack your bags and come on in and we'll figure out what's going on.
Me: (laughing) Um... ok, I guess!
I called Clint and told him, let Eric know what was going on, and headed out. People in the office saw me leaving and asked if we were going to have the baby and I had to reply with, "I don't know. We're going to find out!"
So we got home around 9:30 and took our sweet time packing. When it came time to load the car up, we couldn't figure out if we should bring the carseat or not. It had just come in the day before and we hadn't had time to install it or anything. Clint said it wasn't worth trying to install it now since we wouldn't need it and I almost agreed, but then we decided to just throw it in the back just in case...
We got to the Dr. and did the whole pee in a cup and weigh yourself routine. This may be TMI, but I don't really care... I noticed my pee was a really funny color. I had been drinking water like a champ my whole pregnancy so it had always been clear. Not now. It was a weird brown color. I figured I hadn't had enough to drink in the last couple hours. I also noticed I had gained 5.5 lbs since my appointment 6 days ago, but I hadn't taken the time to take off my shoes and sweatshirt so I didn't think too much of that either.
I got called back and my nurse stuck that strip in my pee just like she had done every other check up. But this time she didn't just look at it and move on. She loooooooked at it. Stuck another test strip in the pee. Looked at that one. Stuck another strip in pee. Looked at that one. And then did it again! Then she took my blood pressure and went "hmmmmmm" as she listened for my heartbeat to start back up. She took the cuff off and said, "This may not be labor, but something's up. I'm gonna let Dr. McGuinn look at your chart." Then she moved us to the check-up room. Once we were in the room, I remember praying something along the lines of, "God, I don't care what you have to do as long as we're both healthy at the end of it, even if its preecclampsia and I have to be induced. I just want him OUT!"
A few minutes later my doctor walked in and asked which hospital I was delivering at. I told her and she shouted it down the hall. Then she closed the door and said
"Ok, they know you're coming. We're going over there and getting this sweet baby out of you. Today."
Friday, June 21, 2013
Reuben's Birth Story (pt. 1)
Ok. Here goes...
It all started Tuesday night. My upper back/shoulder area had been sore on and off since we took my maternity photos the week before. Amelia took awesome photos, but it was a lot of twisting, holding, stick-outing, and just straight-up moving for a 36 week pregnant lady.
I was pretty sure this photo alone was responsible for the discomfort, but I didn't really care too much because I love it so much.
Moving on...
Stretching had proven enough to make my muscles relax the first couple of days and then the pain died down. Tuesday at work it started up again and I figured my belly was just getting big enough to put serious strain on my shoulders. Stretching wasn't doing a lot, but the pain was bearable so I just lived with it. Somehow throughout my pregnancy, I bought and lost 5 bottles of tylenol and I was just too lazy to go buy more.
Fast forward to 1:00AM... the pain in my shoulders woke me up. It was constant, stabbing, so-bad-you-can't-breathe pain. I tried changing my sleep position. I tried on each side, flat on my back, on my stomach (as much as I could with a belly that big), with my head where my feet go, on the floor, on the couch, on the recliner-- nothing worked. So around 3:00AM I asked Clint to rub my shoulders and even his firmest grip wasn't doing much to relax the pain. Sweet, sweet husband that he is, he left to go buy our 6th bottle of tylenol. I got in the shower and turned the water as hot as I could handle and just stood there, praying that God would ease the pain. Clint got home with extra strength tylenol, I popped as many as were allowed, and I finally fell asleep around 4:00AM. I got up with Clint the next morning and decided I was staying home from work that day. I laid on the couch all. day. long. popping tylenol the second the four hour mark passed. The first half of the day wasn't too bad, but around dinnertime, I noticed the tylenol was wearing off closer to the three hour mark instead of four. By the middle of the night, I couldn't even tell I had taken anything about 1.5 hours after taking it.
Cue another night of trying absolutely any sleep position, no matter how ridiculous it felt, to no avail. By 5:00, I had just resigned myself to being up for the day. I got in another scalding hot shower and cried, still begging God would make the pain stop. I had already decided I was going to work for the day. I had to save my sick time for after Reuben got here, plus it was Valentines Day and I wanted to go on a date that night. When I was in school, if I stayed home sick, my parents wouldn't let me do anything that night. Their thinking was if I wasn't well enough to go to school, I wasn't well enough to do anything fun. So I still kind of stick to that mindset in grown-up life. I "got ready" by throwing on a man's undershirt, the biggest hoodie I could find, and throwing my sopping wet hair on top of my head. I didn't even put on makeup. Ain't nobody got time for that.
So basically, I was a hot mess.
I sat on our recliner, waiting for Clint to get ready (we work at the same church, so we ride together), and I bawled. I couldn't handle feeling like this for another three weeks. I told God right then that I needed this baby out of me.
And He said O.K.
Part 2 Part 3 Part 4
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
9/30: Influenced
List 10 people who've influenced you and describe how they have done so.
1. Clint. He's my best friend in the entire world. He is the most supportive and caring man I've ever met. He's taught me to just try things. If you never try, you never know what the outcome will be. Failure isn't the worst thing that can happen to me.
2. My parents. Kind of a no-brainer. God's used them to majorly shape me into the person I am today. They're giving and kind and selfless and fun and all around great people. I can see both of them in me today.
3. My In-Laws. Mike and Shelly's story would bring you to tears. Seriously. They're incredible people and God's used their story to teach me that He can heal people in bigger and better ways than I could even imagine. They got a divorce when we were in college and 4 years later, less than a week after we got back from our honeymoon, they got remarried. It's a beautiful picture of God's grace!
4. Miriam. Miriam has taught me so much about friendship. We're real, honest, and simple. She's the first friend I've ever had who has come to me when I've done something to upset her and talked through it instead of talking to everyone else. I'm incredibly thankful to have such a great example of friendship.
5. John and Debbie. John and Debbie led a Bible study for high schoolers that Clint and I were a part of for years. They taught me how to study my Bible and really search for answers. When I'd ask them what to do in a situation, John's first response was always, "Well, what does the Bible say about it?" and he wouldn't take "I don't know" as an answer.
6. Angie. Angie and her husband, Mike, used to open up their house to 10 or more 20-somethings every Monday night. Every. Monday. Night. Those are a lot of mouths to feed. She's got the sweetest heart and is the queen of hospitality and has taught me a lot about serving and the heart behind it.
7. Staff of The Gallery Church in NYC. In my summer up there, they taught me to love the people of the city, and not just the city itself. Yes, the city is incredible, but it is full of lost people in darkness. The cool thing is that the surrounding darkness makes the pinpricks of light that much brighter.
8. Anna. Anna's taught me to love hard and to love well. Love through the mess and struggles. It's easy to love put together people. It's the broken ones that need your love.
9. Gretchen. Gretchen is one of those "Why not?" people in life. Want to clean out the room that's been destroyed by your dogs and is in complete disarray? Why not? Want to run a 5k? Why not? Want to start a craft business? Why not. I need more of those people in my life. :)
10. Terry. I don't think I could ask for a better boss. He's understanding and supportive of what Clint and I feel called to do in life. He and his incredible wife, Melinda, care more about us as people than me as an employee. He's quick to take the blame from and pass on the glory to his staff. He's a great example of a leader and I'm thankful to know him and Melinda!
1. Clint. He's my best friend in the entire world. He is the most supportive and caring man I've ever met. He's taught me to just try things. If you never try, you never know what the outcome will be. Failure isn't the worst thing that can happen to me.
2. My parents. Kind of a no-brainer. God's used them to majorly shape me into the person I am today. They're giving and kind and selfless and fun and all around great people. I can see both of them in me today.
3. My In-Laws. Mike and Shelly's story would bring you to tears. Seriously. They're incredible people and God's used their story to teach me that He can heal people in bigger and better ways than I could even imagine. They got a divorce when we were in college and 4 years later, less than a week after we got back from our honeymoon, they got remarried. It's a beautiful picture of God's grace!
4. Miriam. Miriam has taught me so much about friendship. We're real, honest, and simple. She's the first friend I've ever had who has come to me when I've done something to upset her and talked through it instead of talking to everyone else. I'm incredibly thankful to have such a great example of friendship.
5. John and Debbie. John and Debbie led a Bible study for high schoolers that Clint and I were a part of for years. They taught me how to study my Bible and really search for answers. When I'd ask them what to do in a situation, John's first response was always, "Well, what does the Bible say about it?" and he wouldn't take "I don't know" as an answer.
6. Angie. Angie and her husband, Mike, used to open up their house to 10 or more 20-somethings every Monday night. Every. Monday. Night. Those are a lot of mouths to feed. She's got the sweetest heart and is the queen of hospitality and has taught me a lot about serving and the heart behind it.
7. Staff of The Gallery Church in NYC. In my summer up there, they taught me to love the people of the city, and not just the city itself. Yes, the city is incredible, but it is full of lost people in darkness. The cool thing is that the surrounding darkness makes the pinpricks of light that much brighter.
8. Anna. Anna's taught me to love hard and to love well. Love through the mess and struggles. It's easy to love put together people. It's the broken ones that need your love.
9. Gretchen. Gretchen is one of those "Why not?" people in life. Want to clean out the room that's been destroyed by your dogs and is in complete disarray? Why not? Want to run a 5k? Why not? Want to start a craft business? Why not. I need more of those people in my life. :)
10. Terry. I don't think I could ask for a better boss. He's understanding and supportive of what Clint and I feel called to do in life. He and his incredible wife, Melinda, care more about us as people than me as an employee. He's quick to take the blame from and pass on the glory to his staff. He's a great example of a leader and I'm thankful to know him and Melinda!
Monday, March 19, 2012
8/30: Passion
What are five passions you have?
1. My relationship with Jesus. It's the only constant I have in this life and I'm so, so, so thankful for grace. It's incredible to me that the Creator of the entire universe wants a relationship with me. For some reason, the sunsets are extra beautiful to me, and every single night I'm reminded of His creativity and that if He creates something that beautiful for the fun of it, how much more beautiful is what He's got planned for our lives?
2. Becoming a better wife. Being a wife is my newest and biggest family role. I'm not a mom yet, and instead of sitting around and thinking about how fun a little one would be, I want to seize the moment and stage of life I'm in and become the best wife I can possibly be. I recently started reading Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs and it's wonderful. God's using it to teach me so many seemingly basic concepts that I think will end up completely changing our marriage for the better!
3. Creating. I love creating things. Painting, sewing, crocheting, and so many other random things. It energizes me and gets me so excited. Once I complete one project, I start searching for the next one. I love it when people ask me to make something specific and getting to see the look on their face when they see what my brain came up with. I still think a Mother's Day gift requested by such a dear family is my favorite thing I've ever made.
4. New York City. Sounds crazy, but I seriously think about that place once a day. I served there for a summer and since then the Lord has been stirring up a passion in my heart. The people. The culture. The history. The need. I love it and sincerely hope we end up serving the city full-time at some point in life.
5. Learning. I'm the weirdo who actually misses school. I love learning stuff about anything. Pop culture, history, psychology, new technology, animals, Disney, life stories, anything. I love it all. I think it's important to know things so that you can better understand life around you.
1. My relationship with Jesus. It's the only constant I have in this life and I'm so, so, so thankful for grace. It's incredible to me that the Creator of the entire universe wants a relationship with me. For some reason, the sunsets are extra beautiful to me, and every single night I'm reminded of His creativity and that if He creates something that beautiful for the fun of it, how much more beautiful is what He's got planned for our lives?
3. Creating. I love creating things. Painting, sewing, crocheting, and so many other random things. It energizes me and gets me so excited. Once I complete one project, I start searching for the next one. I love it when people ask me to make something specific and getting to see the look on their face when they see what my brain came up with. I still think a Mother's Day gift requested by such a dear family is my favorite thing I've ever made.
4. New York City. Sounds crazy, but I seriously think about that place once a day. I served there for a summer and since then the Lord has been stirring up a passion in my heart. The people. The culture. The history. The need. I love it and sincerely hope we end up serving the city full-time at some point in life.
5. Learning. I'm the weirdo who actually misses school. I love learning stuff about anything. Pop culture, history, psychology, new technology, animals, Disney, life stories, anything. I love it all. I think it's important to know things so that you can better understand life around you.
Friday, March 16, 2012
7/30: Dream Job
What's your dream job and why?
There are a million things I could say...
Disney princess.
Take of my freckles and chop of 2 inches of my shins and I'd make the perfect Belle.
Dolphin trainer.
Like, for real. Who wouldn't want to swim around with Flipper all day every day?
Fashion designer.
I watch a whole lot of Project Runway. It can't be that hard... right?
Wedding photographer.
Weddings are just so fun and photos are my favorite part so it's a win-win.
News anchor.
See number 19.
Broadways star.
I saw Cats when I was 8 years old and was convinced I'd grow up to be the cat who sang "Memories."
Those are all just silly dreams though. None of them will ever happen and that is totally ok because they’ll all whims.
My real dream is to help people. Plain and simple. I still don’t know what it looks like, but that’s my dream. I want to start some sort of non-profit to help people. There are so many needs in this world. HIV/AIDS, hunger, poverty, orphans, human trafficking, and hurting people everywhere... I’m just waiting for God to open my eyes to exactly what he wants me to do. In the meantime, I’m very thankful to be in a place where I can see God at work around me and I’m thankful to play even the smallest role.
There are a million things I could say...
Disney princess.
Take of my freckles and chop of 2 inches of my shins and I'd make the perfect Belle.
Dolphin trainer.
Like, for real. Who wouldn't want to swim around with Flipper all day every day?
Fashion designer.
I watch a whole lot of Project Runway. It can't be that hard... right?
Wedding photographer.
Weddings are just so fun and photos are my favorite part so it's a win-win.
News anchor.
See number 19.
Broadways star.
I saw Cats when I was 8 years old and was convinced I'd grow up to be the cat who sang "Memories."
Those are all just silly dreams though. None of them will ever happen and that is totally ok because they’ll all whims.
My real dream is to help people. Plain and simple. I still don’t know what it looks like, but that’s my dream. I want to start some sort of non-profit to help people. There are so many needs in this world. HIV/AIDS, hunger, poverty, orphans, human trafficking, and hurting people everywhere... I’m just waiting for God to open my eyes to exactly what he wants me to do. In the meantime, I’m very thankful to be in a place where I can see God at work around me and I’m thankful to play even the smallest role.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
6/30: Struggle
What's the hardest thing you've ever experienced?
College as a whole was by far the hardest thing I've ever experienced.
My freshman year started out with me going to UT and hating it before classes even started. I can't even put my finger on what made me hate it so much, but I can't help but believe it's because God never intended for me to go there. My freshman year ended a short 6 weeks after it began with me having to medically withdraw because of a serious case of mono. My mono was so bad that my liver got seriously messed up and my eyes started turning yellow. I remember my friend Austin saying, "I'm not trying to freak you out, but your eyes are turning yellow. Now I'm no medical expert, but I saw that happen on House the other night and it was bad news." I went home to a mom who was going through chemo treatments for breast cancer so we basically were just two sicklings, not allowed to touch each other, keeping each other company.
I took the spring semester off completely and just focused on getting 100% back to normal. The first semester of my "sophomore" year, I started at Tennessee Tech. I lived in an apartment with a girl I knew from church and one of the friends she had made freshman year. The first semester was great. I LOVED college and just knew that this was the experience I always wanted. I didn't do anything special, just typical college stuff, but I loved it.
The second semester of my sophomore year started a long, drawn out spiral down, down, down deep into sadness. To make a LONG story short, I ended up being kicked out of the group of friends I had made my first semester at Tech. These were my best friends then. The girls I did everything with. We talked about our weddings and bridesmaids dresses. Took spring break trips together. Ate together weekly. Did life together. To this day, I have no idea what happened or what I did to make it happen. All I know is that it hurt. Bad.
I've never felt so utterly and totally alone in my whole life.
I'd cry myself to sleep multiple nights a week. I lived in straight-up silence, going weeks without speaking to my roommate. I worked my schedule out where I was only there Monday afternoon-Thursday morning, but even that was too long for me. I tried to mend some relationships and thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel, only to find out I was wrong when I got engaged and no one cared enough to ask me how it happened.
I looked for ways out of Cookeville and Tech on a weekly basis, but God just kept closing doors right in my face. That's when I knew I had to finish school there and began begging Him to provide me with friends my last semester.
I worked my butt off the summer in between my 2nd and 3rd full years of school and took 15 hours at a community college so that I could take 20 my last semester and graduate a semester early. The Lord was SO GOOD to me and provided a sweet old couple with room for me to live with them during the week. I randomly reconnected with girls from high school I hadn't spoken to in years and they started inviting me to hang out with their friends a few nights a week. I was taking 20 hours, working 30 hours a week, and trying to plan a wedding so I couldn't always go, but they continued to invite me and include me the times I could. I don't know if they know how much that meant to me, but God used them to keep me going that last semester. I don't think I could've done it without them.
Since then, I've learned the Lord let all of that happen to me so that He could use it for His glory. I work with high school girls here and I'm able to tell them that no matter how lonely they feel, it will be ok. They'll make it out alive and the Lord is still good.
College as a whole was by far the hardest thing I've ever experienced.
My freshman year started out with me going to UT and hating it before classes even started. I can't even put my finger on what made me hate it so much, but I can't help but believe it's because God never intended for me to go there. My freshman year ended a short 6 weeks after it began with me having to medically withdraw because of a serious case of mono. My mono was so bad that my liver got seriously messed up and my eyes started turning yellow. I remember my friend Austin saying, "I'm not trying to freak you out, but your eyes are turning yellow. Now I'm no medical expert, but I saw that happen on House the other night and it was bad news." I went home to a mom who was going through chemo treatments for breast cancer so we basically were just two sicklings, not allowed to touch each other, keeping each other company.
I took the spring semester off completely and just focused on getting 100% back to normal. The first semester of my "sophomore" year, I started at Tennessee Tech. I lived in an apartment with a girl I knew from church and one of the friends she had made freshman year. The first semester was great. I LOVED college and just knew that this was the experience I always wanted. I didn't do anything special, just typical college stuff, but I loved it.
The second semester of my sophomore year started a long, drawn out spiral down, down, down deep into sadness. To make a LONG story short, I ended up being kicked out of the group of friends I had made my first semester at Tech. These were my best friends then. The girls I did everything with. We talked about our weddings and bridesmaids dresses. Took spring break trips together. Ate together weekly. Did life together. To this day, I have no idea what happened or what I did to make it happen. All I know is that it hurt. Bad.
I've never felt so utterly and totally alone in my whole life.
I'd cry myself to sleep multiple nights a week. I lived in straight-up silence, going weeks without speaking to my roommate. I worked my schedule out where I was only there Monday afternoon-Thursday morning, but even that was too long for me. I tried to mend some relationships and thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel, only to find out I was wrong when I got engaged and no one cared enough to ask me how it happened.
I looked for ways out of Cookeville and Tech on a weekly basis, but God just kept closing doors right in my face. That's when I knew I had to finish school there and began begging Him to provide me with friends my last semester.
I worked my butt off the summer in between my 2nd and 3rd full years of school and took 15 hours at a community college so that I could take 20 my last semester and graduate a semester early. The Lord was SO GOOD to me and provided a sweet old couple with room for me to live with them during the week. I randomly reconnected with girls from high school I hadn't spoken to in years and they started inviting me to hang out with their friends a few nights a week. I was taking 20 hours, working 30 hours a week, and trying to plan a wedding so I couldn't always go, but they continued to invite me and include me the times I could. I don't know if they know how much that meant to me, but God used them to keep me going that last semester. I don't think I could've done it without them.
Since then, I've learned the Lord let all of that happen to me so that He could use it for His glory. I work with high school girls here and I'm able to tell them that no matter how lonely they feel, it will be ok. They'll make it out alive and the Lord is still good.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
4/30: 16-year-old self
List 10 things you'd tell your 16-year-old self.
1. Don't worry about trying to be tan. The pain of getting those three per-cancerous spots taken off isn't worth it. And let's face it, you don't get tan anyways.
2. Quit hating Clint. You're going to get married one day.
3. Take a class or two in Spanish. It's a lot more practical than Latin.
4. Don't go to UT just because everyone else is. God is prepared to go to some serious lengths to get you out of that place. It'd be better to just start at Tech, even though you promised yourself you'd never ever go there.
5. Your mom is going to have cancer. And it's ok. God has got it under control and will be so good to your family through all of it.
6. Don't take your crazy fast metabolism for granted. It deteriorates by the year once you hit 20.
7. Keep a journal. There will be so many things that happen to you in the next 5 years and you'll want to remember all of them.
8. Don't compare your talents to others. God gave you the talents He wants you to have. Work them to the best of your ability!
9. You're not going to be a vet. Or a teacher. Or a dolphin trainer. Or anything else you've thought about doing so far. But you'll love what you end up doing!
10. You're a worrier by nature. It only gets worse as the things you worry about get bigger. Don't think of all the what-ifs in life and just take things as they come to you.
1. Don't worry about trying to be tan. The pain of getting those three per-cancerous spots taken off isn't worth it. And let's face it, you don't get tan anyways.
2. Quit hating Clint. You're going to get married one day.
3. Take a class or two in Spanish. It's a lot more practical than Latin.
4. Don't go to UT just because everyone else is. God is prepared to go to some serious lengths to get you out of that place. It'd be better to just start at Tech, even though you promised yourself you'd never ever go there.
5. Your mom is going to have cancer. And it's ok. God has got it under control and will be so good to your family through all of it.
6. Don't take your crazy fast metabolism for granted. It deteriorates by the year once you hit 20.
7. Keep a journal. There will be so many things that happen to you in the next 5 years and you'll want to remember all of them.
8. Don't compare your talents to others. God gave you the talents He wants you to have. Work them to the best of your ability!
9. You're not going to be a vet. Or a teacher. Or a dolphin trainer. Or anything else you've thought about doing so far. But you'll love what you end up doing!
10. You're a worrier by nature. It only gets worse as the things you worry about get bigger. Don't think of all the what-ifs in life and just take things as they come to you.
Friday, March 9, 2012
2/30: Fears
Describe three legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
1. Spiders.
I don't really have a story of how they became a fear of mine. It's like inbred. I will say that my senior year of high school, my parents had a ton of ivy cut out of the side of our yard and it apparently made all the little creepy-crawlys that were living in there seek shelter in our house. Specifically our basement... where I lived. There were days I'd find 6 wolf spiders throughout the day. Those suckers are scary. Have you seen that they're like taking over a city in Austraila? Yea. Im happy I don't live there.
2. Being hurt by another person.
I don't mean this in the deep, emotional sense. I mean I really don't want to be abducted, raped, tortured, murdered, etc. It's a natural fear I'd guess, but it's probably just intensified by the ridiculous amount of Law and Order:SVU I watch. Any semi-creepy person on the same street at me when I'm walking alone is a potentially dangerous rapist. I was so sure the sniper from Washington D.C. was going to come to Nashville, TN, wait outside my middle school, and kill me. I want my dogs to attack any suspicious noise they hear when I'm at home alone and get frustrated when they don't even raise an ear to it. I will say, I feel a bit more prepared for any dangerous situation after watching a fair share of I Survived...
3. My life not going the way I planned.
Whether it's losing Clint, not being able to have children, my parents dying at what I think to be an age that's too young, anything that I don't expect, scares me. I know God is sovereign over everything and I believe it. I'm just a control freak and want to have what I've always dreamed I would. I know the Lord's plans for my life are better than any of my dreams. My life up to this point has already been dramatically different from what I had imagined, but now that I'm on the other side of it, I can't imagine it any other way. It's just something I have to hand back to God on a regular basis and trust Him with it.
1. Spiders.
I don't really have a story of how they became a fear of mine. It's like inbred. I will say that my senior year of high school, my parents had a ton of ivy cut out of the side of our yard and it apparently made all the little creepy-crawlys that were living in there seek shelter in our house. Specifically our basement... where I lived. There were days I'd find 6 wolf spiders throughout the day. Those suckers are scary. Have you seen that they're like taking over a city in Austraila? Yea. Im happy I don't live there.
2. Being hurt by another person.
I don't mean this in the deep, emotional sense. I mean I really don't want to be abducted, raped, tortured, murdered, etc. It's a natural fear I'd guess, but it's probably just intensified by the ridiculous amount of Law and Order:SVU I watch. Any semi-creepy person on the same street at me when I'm walking alone is a potentially dangerous rapist. I was so sure the sniper from Washington D.C. was going to come to Nashville, TN, wait outside my middle school, and kill me. I want my dogs to attack any suspicious noise they hear when I'm at home alone and get frustrated when they don't even raise an ear to it. I will say, I feel a bit more prepared for any dangerous situation after watching a fair share of I Survived...
3. My life not going the way I planned.
Whether it's losing Clint, not being able to have children, my parents dying at what I think to be an age that's too young, anything that I don't expect, scares me. I know God is sovereign over everything and I believe it. I'm just a control freak and want to have what I've always dreamed I would. I know the Lord's plans for my life are better than any of my dreams. My life up to this point has already been dramatically different from what I had imagined, but now that I'm on the other side of it, I can't imagine it any other way. It's just something I have to hand back to God on a regular basis and trust Him with it.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Community
As soon as Clint and I got married, we started praying for God to put people in our life we can do life with. The first few years of marriage are hard in the sense that it's all brand new and you're just trying to figure it out together.
In our case, I honestly thought that everything would just click into place. I'd graduate college, finally start a big girl job, and just fall seamlessly into the life I'd half been living in for the previous 4 years.
Well, I moved home and found myself outside the loop, without knowing how it happened or how to jump back in. That resulted in a lot of sensitivity to things that normally wouldn't bother me. Because my feelings were hurt in one area, I'd jump on Clint for doing really insignificant things that sort of annoyed me. We were both really unhappy and constantly bummed. It was a really, really hard time.
We went on a staff retreat back in August and I was surrounded by godly staff wives who genuinely wanted to know how they could pray for me, so I gushed it all out there. We were lonely and uncomfortable and just felt like we were biding time. Our best friends were probably going to be moving away (which they are, but praise the Lord for friendships that will stretch from Nashville to Chicago!). It was just a really weird phase of life.
After that, I had woman after woman come up to me and encourage me and tell me they had been in the exact.same.place.
WOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't even tell you how encouraging that was. Clint and I began to pray diligently for the Lord to surround us with people who loved Him and loved us for who we are. And BOY, has He been more than faithful!
Just a short 4 months later, I can say blessings are overflowing in the friendship department. Last night we met with our newly formed small group for the very first time and I just couldn't stop smiling. To look around and see that most of these people I didn't even know four months ago and now we're in life together! It's just crazy. And encouraging. And wonderful. And just God showing off how faithful He is to us.
So all that to say, I'm happy.
In our case, I honestly thought that everything would just click into place. I'd graduate college, finally start a big girl job, and just fall seamlessly into the life I'd half been living in for the previous 4 years.
Well, I moved home and found myself outside the loop, without knowing how it happened or how to jump back in. That resulted in a lot of sensitivity to things that normally wouldn't bother me. Because my feelings were hurt in one area, I'd jump on Clint for doing really insignificant things that sort of annoyed me. We were both really unhappy and constantly bummed. It was a really, really hard time.
We went on a staff retreat back in August and I was surrounded by godly staff wives who genuinely wanted to know how they could pray for me, so I gushed it all out there. We were lonely and uncomfortable and just felt like we were biding time. Our best friends were probably going to be moving away (which they are, but praise the Lord for friendships that will stretch from Nashville to Chicago!). It was just a really weird phase of life.
After that, I had woman after woman come up to me and encourage me and tell me they had been in the exact.same.place.
WOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't even tell you how encouraging that was. Clint and I began to pray diligently for the Lord to surround us with people who loved Him and loved us for who we are. And BOY, has He been more than faithful!
Just a short 4 months later, I can say blessings are overflowing in the friendship department. Last night we met with our newly formed small group for the very first time and I just couldn't stop smiling. To look around and see that most of these people I didn't even know four months ago and now we're in life together! It's just crazy. And encouraging. And wonderful. And just God showing off how faithful He is to us.
So all that to say, I'm happy.
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