the body of Christ

It's been two years since our miscarriage today.

It's such a strange feeling. Part of me feels like it was a lifetime ago. But there's another part of me that can still feel the pain and loss like it happened yesterday.

I try to not let that part win.

I'm so incredibly thankful for Reuben and his life. I know that he wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost that baby, but I can't help but wonder who that baby would've grown up to be.

Would it be another rambunctious, mischievous, little boy? Or would I be having tea parties with my little tutu-wearing girl?

I saw my facebook post from that day on TimeHop...

I still feel this way two years later.

God had us positioned perfectly for Him to show his love for us through his Body. We had meals brought to us by our small group, prayers for and with us, and plenty of people to just BE with us. Nobody tried to fix anything or offer any encouraging words. They were just in it with us. And that's exactly what we needed.

I've said it before, but God used that baby's short life to change ours entirely. We came to fully understand the purpose of the Body of Christ. That we're to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Yes, we felt peace from knowing the baby was in heaven and that God had a plan, but that peace was amplified through our friends and family's love and support.

Since our loss, I've had several of my friends go through hard times where they need someone to be in it with them. They don't need to be told they'll get over it one day. They don't need to be told life goes on. They don't need to be told it could be worse. They need me to roll up my sleeves and get in there with them. To cry with them. To listen to them. To tell them, "You know what? This sucks. I'm so, so sorry."

Food never hurts, too. ;-)

But seriously. People need you WITH them. That's part of our job as a member of the Body. To let struggling people know God is WITH them. He hasn't left them to fend on their own. He's there for them even more than we ever could be. Sometimes it just takes a little reminding.

I wouldn't know that the way I do if it wasn't for that sweet, sweet little baby. I praise and thank God for it's life and legacy.

scraping a rock on a sunburn

I finally got my tattoo finished Friday afternoon. I got the outline done in October and meant to get the color done a few weeks later, but once Halloween hit, money and time disappeared and they've just reappeared now that 90% of our yearly celebrations are behind us.

You can read about the meaning behind the tattoo here.

Let me start with saying this: it's absolutely perfect. It's better than I imagined it being and I couldn't love it more! I don't have a single shred of regret for getting it.

But it hurt. BAD.

Especially the parts on my shoulder and collar bone. I think I toughed it out pretty well, honestly, but it was hard to not freak out! I wasn't expecting it to hurt since the lines seriously didn't. I think it was the times he was blending colors into already tattooed skin.

I'm flinching just thinking about it.

It seriously does feel like a dull rock scraping up against the worst sunburn you've ever had. For 2.5 hours straight.

Whew.

But it's done now! And I love it! And I'm so, so, so thankful to have a daily reminder of God's goodness and grace on my arm for the rest of my life!

tatt. tatt. tatt it up!

It is done.

My skin is inked for the rest of  my life.

And I LOVE it!

That was before. Not gonna lie, I was absolutely terrified. I was sure I wanted it, but I'm a big sissy when it comes to change and a tattoo is about as permanent as you can get. Clint ended up having to leave before we got started so it was just me and Zane, the tattoo artist. I could hardly breathe when I heard him start up the machine. And then he started...

It didn't hurt!

Not even joking. I mean, I wouldn't want it done ALL the time, but it wasn't painful. Just a little uncomfortable. It only took a little over an hour. He just did the outline. I'll go back in November for shading and color and I can't wait. I love it so much already, so I know I'll only love it more.

Here it is...

Clint doctored this picture up a little so you couldn't tell just how red my arm was. Here it is unedited.

My poor, sensitive skin.

The tattoo is symbolic of our sweet angel baby. I wanted something that was beautiful and a reminder, but a happy one since God blessed us so much through it.

Peonies are one of the birth flowers for April, when we lost the baby, and daffodils are for December, when baby would've been due. Job 1:21 is the scripture the Lord brought to mind the moment I found out I was pregnant and was my motto for the next few months.

I think it's perfect. Absolutely perfect. And I'm praying God uses it as an opportunity to share about all he's done in our lives. He is so very, very good!

the Lord gives. the Lord takes away. Part 2.

Make sure you read part one before reading this.



So, the Lord had given us a baby.

And then the Lord took that baby away to be with Him.

I had been meditating in the fact that no matter what, the Lord was to be praised, but seriously? Why couldn't he have just given us that precious babe and never taken it away? Why did he have to bring that scripture up to me over and over and over again? It was like rubbing salt in a wound. Every time I thought of it, I'd instantly be angry that I had to know the side of praising the Lord even when He took something away. Let's be real. It's easy to praise the Lord when He's given us something! When he's taken that something away? It gets a lot harder.

The days following the miscarriage I cried. A LOT. Like an ugly, ugly cry. I'd never felt pain/hurt/sorrow like I did in those days. I was mad at God. SO mad. It wasn't fair. And I felt broken. Why couldn't my body carry a baby? And I felt so, so, so alone. Every where I looked was a reminder of the baby that wasn't going to be coming home with us in December.

But you know what?

Through all of it, God was good. More than good. He was great.

I'm honestly having a hard time putting into words how well He took care of us and how much he blessed us through the following days, but I want to share some moments so that He gets the glory and so that I'll never forget. Some of them are huge and some of them are so small you'll probably laugh that I even consider them a God thing. But every single one was proof of God not leaving us and was loving us so, so well...

- On Sunday, before we knew for sure what was happening, we jokingly said if we lost the baby, we'd tack on a trip to Disney World before our cruise because "You can't be sad at the happiest place on Earth." When we got off the phone with the nurse on Monday afternoon, Clint said, "Looks like we're heading to Disney." We had no money for that. Like zero. But we needed to get away. To put our minds somewhere else after the 48 hours of torture they'd already endured. Well, between Monday afternoon and Tuesday night before we'd gone to bed, we'd gotten a little over $500 out of no where. We hadn't asked anybody for a single penny, but between friends and family feeling prompted by God, we'd gotten close to $225 and then opened an envelope from our bank that had a $300 check from "overages on our escrow." I asked my dad if that happened a lot and he said no and we've never seen a check like it since that night. The money we'd gotten covered our gas, hotel room, tickets, and food in the park PERFECTLY. None left over, but nothing uncovered.

- Our friends went above and beyond taking care of us. We let our small group know what was going on Sunday and they jumped into action. Our friends Micha and Hunter came over with lunch, watched a movie with us, and prayed over us before they left. Our other friends Cara and Jason dropped off a surprise on our doorstep of goodies for our trip. We had constant texts telling us they were praying for us and encouragement for the long road ahead. God has surrounded us with the best friends we could ever ask for.

- A guy who works in our student ministry as a volunteer worked for Gaylord at the time and told us earlier in the year that he'd hook us up with a room at Gaylord Palms and a car to and from our cruise ship for only $100. We gladly took him up on the offer! So fast forward to Friday. We're exhausted by 6:00 pm because neither of us had been sleeping well so we decided to peace out of Magic Kingdom and go to our room and try and get sleep before our cruise. When we got to our room, we found out it wasn't an average room. He'd gotten us a suite that was bigger than our first apartment! It was gigantic. and perfect. and exactly the surprise we needed to lift our spirits.

- Sitting in our massive suite, our moods still started to droop. Night times were just so hard. Clint was getting ready for bed in the bathroom and I was sitting in the living room, trying not to cry when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and It was a tray full of goodies with a note from JB. Not only were there goodies, they were my FAVORITE goodies! It was Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke, chocolate chip cookies with milk, Peanut M&MS, and a few bags of potato chips. There was no way they knew those were all of my favorite guilty pleasures. It was a God thing. He knew I needed that little ray of sun in that moment.

- We booked our cruise in March 2011 and had it paid off 4-5 months before any of this ever happened. It was not a coincidence that it was 6 days after our miscarriage. The Lord knew we were going to need to get away and had provided it, before we ever knew it was a need.

Those are just the moments that happened the week after. There've been countless more. Like the fact God put me in a small group of staff wives where 4 out of the other 6 had experienced pregnancy loss. Or the time two dear friends prayed over me, at two different times, saying they felt like the Lord was going to give us another child soon, while I was already pregnant with Reuben and had no idea!

My relationship with Clint and with God changed completely on April 22, 2012. I know, love, and trust Clint in a deeper way than before. We grew up a lot. We were forced to be honest with each other. We saw sides of each other we'd never seen before, even after being best friends since middle school. And I know, love, and trust God more now than I ever have. I had to rely on him. He was my only hope. My only constant in a crazy storm. The only one who had any answers and who could provide comfort that passed all understanding.

Yes, we have a sweet child here on Earth with us now. And pray that we'll have more and more. But there will always be a special place in my heart for that baby. I long for the day I get to meet them in heaven. Until then, my prayer is that their life, no matter how short it was, will count. That what I learned from it will be able to help other women going through the same thing. You are NOT alone.

I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever ask to be put through that. Like, EVER. But.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God. Is. Good.

the Lord gives. the Lord takes away. Part 1.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I've been feeling prompted to share my (God's) story and I can't let this month pass by without doing it. It's a long story so I'm breaking it up in part one and part two. Here goes...



I can't for the life of me remember why I decided to take a test that Monday night. Clint was staying with our pastor's sons while he and his wife were out of town and I'd just left them for the evening at Buffalo Wild Wings. I wonder if something had tasted funny and got me to thinking, "When was I supposed to start again? Oh yea. Today."

Whatever it was, I decided to take a test when I got home. Just me and our dogs. I went to the bathroom and left the test to do it's thing while I let the dogs out. I came back 5 minutes later, just like the test told me to... and there was a second line. WHAT?!?!?! So obviously, I freak out. Like have a mini panic attack. I call Clint, trying to be calm...

Me: Um... I need you to come home.
Clint: Why?
Me: Because.
Clint: Because, why? I can't just leave Sam and Josh here.
Me: BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT AND FREAKING OUT IS WHY!!!
Clint: What?!
Me: I'm pregnant. Don't you dare tell Josh and Sam. Just get here. Now.

As I sat there and waited for him, I started to journal. We'd been trying for quite a few months by that point, and I wanted to remember every second of this moment. The only thing I could think of was Job 1:21.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

I knew how delicate new life is and I knew I wanted to love and celebrate this baby that God had given me for this moment because I wasn't guaranteed another.

Clint got home and we screamed and celebrated. Called our best friends, Jonathan and Miriam, and just tried to let it soak in. 

We were going to be parents.

I was about 5 weeks along and we started doing all of the exciting baby things we'd been talking about doing. We went to Target to find some cute stuff as gifts to tell our parents. We got Clint's parents a little onesie that said something about grandma and we got my parents a copy of "Go Dog Go" because it was my favorite book when I was little and wrote in there it was for them to read to their grandbaby. We recorded it all. They were and still are precious memories.

We had scheduled a Disney cruise for the end of the month and a couple of the excursions weren't pregnancy friendly so I went online and canceled them, joyfully.

We had some family pictures scheduled with our photographer, Amelia Moore, for that Friday. What perfect timing! We could take announcement pictures to use when we were in the safe zone AND capture our life before baby in one shoot. Plus, Amelia had shot our wedding. How cool that she was going to be able to capture this next step.

We wrote "Baby Lamberth December 2012" on that chalkboard heart for our announcement shots.

Clint was telling me in this picture he hoped the baby "had my brains."

We were so deliriously happy and in love.

Sunday morning I got up around 6:00 and had to pee. I wiped and saw the slightest tinge of pink and honestly didn't think much of it. Clint left to go to church and I went back to sleep since I didn't have to be there until 10:30. When I got up for the day and went to the bathroom, I saw more pink. I started to get uncomfortable seeing it, but I'd read it was normal. By the time it was time to go to church, it was a lot more than pink. I knew something wasn't right. I called Clint and told him. Told him I couldn't come to church. Told him I needed him to come home. I'd called the doctor on call at my OBGYN and she said to just stay in bed and come in the next day, but that if I was losing it, there was nothing they could do about it. 

I got off the phone with Clint and have never, ever felt so alone and desperate in my life. I sat in my bed literally crying out to God to save our baby. To make all of it go away. I was reminded so many times throughout the day that it wasn't going anywhere. Things were only looking more and more grim.

After some blood tests on Monday, it was confirmed that the baby had died. My levels were no where near where they should've been at 6 weeks. I'd had a miscarriage. I was no longer pregnant.

We weren't going to be parents.