Wednesday, October 9, 2013

the Lord gives. the Lord takes away. Part 1.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I've been feeling prompted to share my (God's) story and I can't let this month pass by without doing it. It's a long story so I'm breaking it up in part one and part two. Here goes...

I can't for the life of me remember why I decided to take a test that Monday night. Clint was staying with our pastor's sons while he and his wife were out of town and I'd just left them for the evening at Buffalo Wild Wings. I wonder if something had tasted funny and got me to thinking, "When was I supposed to start again? Oh yea. Today."

Whatever it was, I decided to take a test when I got home. Just me and our dogs. I went to the bathroom and left the test to do it's thing while I let the dogs out. I came back 5 minutes later, just like the test told me to... and there was a second line. WHAT?!?!?! So obviously, I freak out. Like have a mini panic attack. I call Clint, trying to be calm...

Me: Um... I need you to come home.
Clint: Why?
Me: Because.
Clint: Because, why? I can't just leave Sam and Josh here.
Clint: What?!
Me: I'm pregnant. Don't you dare tell Josh and Sam. Just get here. Now.

As I sat there and waited for him, I started to journal. We'd been trying for quite a few months by that point, and I wanted to remember every second of this moment. The only thing I could think of was Job 1:21.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

I knew how delicate new life is and I knew I wanted to love and celebrate this baby that God had given me for this moment because I wasn't guaranteed another.

Clint got home and we screamed and celebrated. Called our best friends, Jonathan and Miriam, and just tried to let it soak in. 

We were going to be parents.

I was about 5 weeks along and we started doing all of the exciting baby things we'd been talking about doing. We went to Target to find some cute stuff as gifts to tell our parents. We got Clint's parents a little onesie that said something about grandma and we got my parents a copy of "Go Dog Go" because it was my favorite book when I was little and wrote in there it was for them to read to their grandbaby. We recorded it all. They were and still are precious memories.

We had scheduled a Disney cruise for the end of the month and a couple of the excursions weren't pregnancy friendly so I went online and canceled them, joyfully.

We had some family pictures scheduled with our photographer, Amelia Moore, for that Friday. What perfect timing! We could take announcement pictures to use when we were in the safe zone AND capture our life before baby in one shoot. Plus, Amelia had shot our wedding. How cool that she was going to be able to capture this next step.

We wrote "Baby Lamberth December 2012" on that chalkboard heart for our announcement shots.

Clint was telling me in this picture he hoped the baby "had my brains."

We were so deliriously happy and in love.

Sunday morning I got up around 6:00 and had to pee. I wiped and saw the slightest tinge of pink and honestly didn't think much of it. Clint left to go to church and I went back to sleep since I didn't have to be there until 10:30. When I got up for the day and went to the bathroom, I saw more pink. I started to get uncomfortable seeing it, but I'd read it was normal. By the time it was time to go to church, it was a lot more than pink. I knew something wasn't right. I called Clint and told him. Told him I couldn't come to church. Told him I needed him to come home. I'd called the doctor on call at my OBGYN and she said to just stay in bed and come in the next day, but that if I was losing it, there was nothing they could do about it. 

I got off the phone with Clint and have never, ever felt so alone and desperate in my life. I sat in my bed literally crying out to God to save our baby. To make all of it go away. I was reminded so many times throughout the day that it wasn't going anywhere. Things were only looking more and more grim.

After some blood tests on Monday, it was confirmed that the baby had died. My levels were no where near where they should've been at 6 weeks. I'd had a miscarriage. I was no longer pregnant.

We weren't going to be parents.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for being brave and for sharing this story.


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