costume-less

It's the day before Halloween. Reuben's very first one...

and the kid doesn't have a costume yet.

And I'm semi-regretting trying to save some moo-lah and make his costume.

I'm pumped about what he's going to be. He'll (hopefully) be my only baby this would make sense for, so I've gotta seize the moment. He can have a pre-made and stuffed costume every other year.

But not this one.

So tonight I will frantically cut and sew and hem and glue and trim and try and make something cute out of nothing.

Wish me luck, y'all!

our sorta-kinda beach trip

So our beach trip turned out to be a spend-45-mintues-at-the-beach kinda trip. But it was perfect.

Reuben got to play in the grass while we packed up the car before we left. He honestly hasn't had much exposure to it yet because he was too little to take outside during the spring and it was too blazing hot for me to want to hang out outside this summer. He was really unsure about it.

We didn't officially get on the road until around 7:00PM. And quickly discovered traveling at night is not ideal with Reuben. I'd heard all these wonderful stories of babies sleeping the whole way and never making a peep... not him. He was angry he was in his carseat and not asleep. I mean, it wasn't horrible, he only cried for about an hour combined, but it wasn't ideal.

We got there around 2:30 and got him tucked into his pack n play. I'd never actually put him to sleep in one, but he loved it so I did too.

We spent about 2 hours the first day trying to fix breakfast. We'd brought pancakes, sausage, and eggs because it's such a quick breakfast for us at home. The condo only had two small stainless steel pans. We'd never cooked on one before and we burned about 4 pancakes to a crisp before figuring it out. Even then our timing was completely off. It was a mess. But we ate! VICTORY!

Then we got in our bathing suits and went down to the pool. It had a fun little place for babies to play in fountains, a big pool, and a lazy river.

Awesome.

I just wish the water hadn't been 33 degrees so that we could've enjoyed more of it.

I was sure the second I sat Reuben down in the water he'd freak out, but he loved it! He rode around on my lap in the lazy river and had such a good time.

After a late lunch, we headed over to the beach. Reuben was pretty indifferent to it all, but we had fun watching him!

Dinner was at a place called TackyJacks and all the seating was bar level, so they had one of those highchairs that attaches to the table. Genius. And so, so cool!

After Reuben went to sleep, we stayed up playing too many games of Clue. We're a wild bunch, you guys. And by the way, I won a game! woo hoo!

Day two was way too cold to do anything in the water, so Whitney and I decided to go to the Tanger Outlets.

Duh.

Problem: Only had one car. Austin had to work and the last thing Clint wanted to do was tag along with us. So we decided to all go eat at Lamberts: House of the Throwed Roll (YUM!) and Clint would drop us off while he went to see Gravity by himself. Great idea... until you walk around for 3 hours with a baby in an Ergo (didn't bring the stroller), shopping bags, and a really heavy diaper bag. And Whitney is 25 weeks pregnant so she was no better off. It was rough, y'all.

Total first world problems.

 Reuben took a great nap in the ergo though. Look at those lips. I'm in love.

The day ended with another yummy dinner and more Clue.

Our last morning, we ate up some leftovers, packed up, and headed out to the beach for an obligatory family beach picture since we completely forgot the first day.

I have no idea how we went 4 whole days without getting any pictures of the 5 1/2 of us. Reuben literally thinks Austin is the funniest person on the planet. He smiles and laughs at him so much! He and Whitney are so, SO good with Reu. I can't wait for their baby girl to be here in February!

The drive home started off wonderfully! Got on the road around 2:00 and Reuben blissfully fell asleep for a few naps.

Then the sun went down.

And the tears started.

About an hour from home, I was desperate for relief, so I broke out some Baby Einstein and Baby First TV. Baby boy was so angry he was watching it, but it stopped the screaming so I consider it a win.

Overall it was a wonderfully weekend getaway! I can't wait for next year when Reuben's got his little girlfriend, baby girl Rion, to play with.

Yay for more babies!

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N

We're at Orange Beach, AL for the weekend.
 
HALLELUJAH!

This mama needs a break!

Well, Reuben's with us. So it's not a mama-break, but it's a real-world break which is just as nice.

Can't wait to come back and tell y'all all about it!

In the meantime, look at the chunka love in his beach garb.

That was 4 long months ago. Can't wait to see it actually fit him now!

Hasta la vista, baby!

funny baby picture

This picture of Reuben that cracks me up the more I look at it.

The drool covered neck.

The baby comb-over.

The scowl.

The little hand trying to rip his diaper off.



Just the perfect storm of hot mess-ness.

8 months

Weight: According to our bathroom scale, somewhere around 20. According to my arms having to carry him around, somewhere around 47.

Health: Healthy! No sniffles, coughs, or wheezing from him.

Sleep: Teeth have ruined this one. He went from sleeping from 6:30/7:00-4:00/4:30 to only sleeping until about 1:00, sometimes even before midnight. There've been quite a few nights where he's just come in bed with us. There was one night in bed with us when he woke up about every 45 minutes. On another night he woke up screaming, so I sat him up against my knees and got the tylenol ready. By the time I'd put the stuff back in my nightstand, he was fast asleep sitting against my legs. So I did what any mom desperate for sleep would do- lowered my legs and left him there.

 
Social:Getting out and about more and more. He's just a lot of fun to be around and other people love him, too. We went to the zoo 3 weekends in a row and had a great time every time. He doesn't look at the animals yet, but he will one day. I just know he'll love it. Or at least really hope he does because it's one of my favorite places!

Diet: Probably about 80% breastmilk. He's starting to dig solids a little more. We're doing a bit of BLW and some purees. Sometimes I don't feel like sharing my food (selfish, I know) so he'll get a jar/pouch. We try and do solids 3 times a day and make sure he gets a good mix of fruit/veggies. He loves eating what we eat though. So far he's tried: grilled cheese, smoked sausage, hummus, guacamole, tortillas, toast, chicken, lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, spaghetti, yogurt, yellow squash, and zucchini. I made him some food out of frozen tropical fruit that I mix in with full fat greek yogurt and he loves it. He also likes his homemade butternut squash with cinnamon. There hasn't been a single food he's refused so far. I'm proud of him!

Clothes: Still growing out of them but fitting in strange sizes, too. He wears 4-6 month stuff from H&M with some 6-9 stuff that swallows him mixed in. Carters 6 months is just about perfect, but the pjs are getting snug. Gap/Old Navy are the only 3-6 month stuff he can still wear, but the arms are getting short if they're long sleeved. I foresee me having to get out his 9-12 month stuff sometime between now and next month. I'll tell ya one thing. He's defintely not in 18+ months! Once this month, he pooped all over his clothes at the nursery and I forgot extra clothes (mom fail) so they stuck him in 18 month clothes. Huge but oh so cute. 

And then another day, I asked Clint to dress him for the day and I go downstairs to find him in a 18 month shirt and diaper. Men.

Baby Gear Love: Still LOVING the jumper. He gets so excited when you jump with him. It's adorable. Besides that, He's not really especially fond of anything. He'd rather be grabbing your hands and trying to walk. 

One baby gear thing that Clint and I are loving is his amber teething bracelet! There's been a noticeable difference in his crying and whining since we put it on. We've been borrowing a friend's and have a new one coming in this week. It's a little smaller, raw, and lighter in color. From what I've read, it should be even more effective!

Crying: It was a bad month for crying those mean teeth. He got two upper teeth that came in at the same time with fury. I saw/felt them one day and not even 6 days later, they were all the way in. It was NOT fun. He's also starting to get upset if he can't see one of us or if we walk away from him. 

Likes: Standing and walking. Peek-a-boo. Eating big people food. Dad. Remotes/phones. Looking at himself in the mirror. Being tickled. Squealing. Baby First TV. Rolling. Putting everything in his mouth. Bath time.

Postpartum: My body's been acting crazy, but I'm just contributing it to my hormones trying to even out from Reuben switching back and forth from sleeping through the night. My hair has stopped falling out and is actually starting to grow back. Yay, right? No. Now I have whispys EVERYWHERE.

  

Milestones: Working on his pinching. It's so cute to see him stare his fingers down as his pointer and thumb meet again and again and again. I offered him a puff, he pinched it, put it in his mouth and ate it. I thought, "MY KID'S A GENIUS!!!"... It hasn't happened since. He's resorted to leaning down and sucking it off my hand with his mouth. Tricky kid.

He's definitely mastered rolling. He'll roll every which way to get to something. Still showing absolutely zero interest in real crawling. He does this weird flopping/scooting thing to get where he wants to go if it's in front of him. I really think he'll be a the kid who walks before he crawls. Or just skips crawling altogether. He's getting REALLY good at pulling up on us and is braving the world of pulling up on objects. Which is great. Until the object is too short and he face plants. And he'll stand up and balance on the couch and stuff. It's crazy to me how big he's getting!

Reuben,

You are the epitome of 'joy'. Your smile brings such happiness to our hearts. Everybody you meet thinks you are the sweetest, cutest baby around and I completely agree (however biased I may be). You're looking less and less like a baby and more and more like a little boy every day. I can hardly stand it. You're such a ham! You love attention! You've got a temper, too. If something isn't the way you want it, you let us know. And it's almost impossible not to give you every single thing you want!

Your dada and I love you more than you will ever understand. We're so proud to be your parents!

Love,
Mama

tatt. tatt. tatt it up!

It is done.

My skin is inked for the rest of  my life.

And I LOVE it!

That was before. Not gonna lie, I was absolutely terrified. I was sure I wanted it, but I'm a big sissy when it comes to change and a tattoo is about as permanent as you can get. Clint ended up having to leave before we got started so it was just me and Zane, the tattoo artist. I could hardly breathe when I heard him start up the machine. And then he started...

It didn't hurt!

Not even joking. I mean, I wouldn't want it done ALL the time, but it wasn't painful. Just a little uncomfortable. It only took a little over an hour. He just did the outline. I'll go back in November for shading and color and I can't wait. I love it so much already, so I know I'll only love it more.

Here it is...

Clint doctored this picture up a little so you couldn't tell just how red my arm was. Here it is unedited.

My poor, sensitive skin.

The tattoo is symbolic of our sweet angel baby. I wanted something that was beautiful and a reminder, but a happy one since God blessed us so much through it.

Peonies are one of the birth flowers for April, when we lost the baby, and daffodils are for December, when baby would've been due. Job 1:21 is the scripture the Lord brought to mind the moment I found out I was pregnant and was my motto for the next few months.

I think it's perfect. Absolutely perfect. And I'm praying God uses it as an opportunity to share about all he's done in our lives. He is so very, very good!

tattoo.

I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow.

And I'm terrified.

That is all.

the Lord gives. the Lord takes away. Part 2.

Make sure you read part one before reading this.



So, the Lord had given us a baby.

And then the Lord took that baby away to be with Him.

I had been meditating in the fact that no matter what, the Lord was to be praised, but seriously? Why couldn't he have just given us that precious babe and never taken it away? Why did he have to bring that scripture up to me over and over and over again? It was like rubbing salt in a wound. Every time I thought of it, I'd instantly be angry that I had to know the side of praising the Lord even when He took something away. Let's be real. It's easy to praise the Lord when He's given us something! When he's taken that something away? It gets a lot harder.

The days following the miscarriage I cried. A LOT. Like an ugly, ugly cry. I'd never felt pain/hurt/sorrow like I did in those days. I was mad at God. SO mad. It wasn't fair. And I felt broken. Why couldn't my body carry a baby? And I felt so, so, so alone. Every where I looked was a reminder of the baby that wasn't going to be coming home with us in December.

But you know what?

Through all of it, God was good. More than good. He was great.

I'm honestly having a hard time putting into words how well He took care of us and how much he blessed us through the following days, but I want to share some moments so that He gets the glory and so that I'll never forget. Some of them are huge and some of them are so small you'll probably laugh that I even consider them a God thing. But every single one was proof of God not leaving us and was loving us so, so well...

- On Sunday, before we knew for sure what was happening, we jokingly said if we lost the baby, we'd tack on a trip to Disney World before our cruise because "You can't be sad at the happiest place on Earth." When we got off the phone with the nurse on Monday afternoon, Clint said, "Looks like we're heading to Disney." We had no money for that. Like zero. But we needed to get away. To put our minds somewhere else after the 48 hours of torture they'd already endured. Well, between Monday afternoon and Tuesday night before we'd gone to bed, we'd gotten a little over $500 out of no where. We hadn't asked anybody for a single penny, but between friends and family feeling prompted by God, we'd gotten close to $225 and then opened an envelope from our bank that had a $300 check from "overages on our escrow." I asked my dad if that happened a lot and he said no and we've never seen a check like it since that night. The money we'd gotten covered our gas, hotel room, tickets, and food in the park PERFECTLY. None left over, but nothing uncovered.

- Our friends went above and beyond taking care of us. We let our small group know what was going on Sunday and they jumped into action. Our friends Micha and Hunter came over with lunch, watched a movie with us, and prayed over us before they left. Our other friends Cara and Jason dropped off a surprise on our doorstep of goodies for our trip. We had constant texts telling us they were praying for us and encouragement for the long road ahead. God has surrounded us with the best friends we could ever ask for.

- A guy who works in our student ministry as a volunteer worked for Gaylord at the time and told us earlier in the year that he'd hook us up with a room at Gaylord Palms and a car to and from our cruise ship for only $100. We gladly took him up on the offer! So fast forward to Friday. We're exhausted by 6:00 pm because neither of us had been sleeping well so we decided to peace out of Magic Kingdom and go to our room and try and get sleep before our cruise. When we got to our room, we found out it wasn't an average room. He'd gotten us a suite that was bigger than our first apartment! It was gigantic. and perfect. and exactly the surprise we needed to lift our spirits.

- Sitting in our massive suite, our moods still started to droop. Night times were just so hard. Clint was getting ready for bed in the bathroom and I was sitting in the living room, trying not to cry when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and It was a tray full of goodies with a note from JB. Not only were there goodies, they were my FAVORITE goodies! It was Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke, chocolate chip cookies with milk, Peanut M&MS, and a few bags of potato chips. There was no way they knew those were all of my favorite guilty pleasures. It was a God thing. He knew I needed that little ray of sun in that moment.

- We booked our cruise in March 2011 and had it paid off 4-5 months before any of this ever happened. It was not a coincidence that it was 6 days after our miscarriage. The Lord knew we were going to need to get away and had provided it, before we ever knew it was a need.

Those are just the moments that happened the week after. There've been countless more. Like the fact God put me in a small group of staff wives where 4 out of the other 6 had experienced pregnancy loss. Or the time two dear friends prayed over me, at two different times, saying they felt like the Lord was going to give us another child soon, while I was already pregnant with Reuben and had no idea!

My relationship with Clint and with God changed completely on April 22, 2012. I know, love, and trust Clint in a deeper way than before. We grew up a lot. We were forced to be honest with each other. We saw sides of each other we'd never seen before, even after being best friends since middle school. And I know, love, and trust God more now than I ever have. I had to rely on him. He was my only hope. My only constant in a crazy storm. The only one who had any answers and who could provide comfort that passed all understanding.

Yes, we have a sweet child here on Earth with us now. And pray that we'll have more and more. But there will always be a special place in my heart for that baby. I long for the day I get to meet them in heaven. Until then, my prayer is that their life, no matter how short it was, will count. That what I learned from it will be able to help other women going through the same thing. You are NOT alone.

I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever ask to be put through that. Like, EVER. But.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God. Is. Good.

the Lord gives. the Lord takes away. Part 1.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I've been feeling prompted to share my (God's) story and I can't let this month pass by without doing it. It's a long story so I'm breaking it up in part one and part two. Here goes...



I can't for the life of me remember why I decided to take a test that Monday night. Clint was staying with our pastor's sons while he and his wife were out of town and I'd just left them for the evening at Buffalo Wild Wings. I wonder if something had tasted funny and got me to thinking, "When was I supposed to start again? Oh yea. Today."

Whatever it was, I decided to take a test when I got home. Just me and our dogs. I went to the bathroom and left the test to do it's thing while I let the dogs out. I came back 5 minutes later, just like the test told me to... and there was a second line. WHAT?!?!?! So obviously, I freak out. Like have a mini panic attack. I call Clint, trying to be calm...

Me: Um... I need you to come home.
Clint: Why?
Me: Because.
Clint: Because, why? I can't just leave Sam and Josh here.
Me: BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT AND FREAKING OUT IS WHY!!!
Clint: What?!
Me: I'm pregnant. Don't you dare tell Josh and Sam. Just get here. Now.

As I sat there and waited for him, I started to journal. We'd been trying for quite a few months by that point, and I wanted to remember every second of this moment. The only thing I could think of was Job 1:21.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

I knew how delicate new life is and I knew I wanted to love and celebrate this baby that God had given me for this moment because I wasn't guaranteed another.

Clint got home and we screamed and celebrated. Called our best friends, Jonathan and Miriam, and just tried to let it soak in. 

We were going to be parents.

I was about 5 weeks along and we started doing all of the exciting baby things we'd been talking about doing. We went to Target to find some cute stuff as gifts to tell our parents. We got Clint's parents a little onesie that said something about grandma and we got my parents a copy of "Go Dog Go" because it was my favorite book when I was little and wrote in there it was for them to read to their grandbaby. We recorded it all. They were and still are precious memories.

We had scheduled a Disney cruise for the end of the month and a couple of the excursions weren't pregnancy friendly so I went online and canceled them, joyfully.

We had some family pictures scheduled with our photographer, Amelia Moore, for that Friday. What perfect timing! We could take announcement pictures to use when we were in the safe zone AND capture our life before baby in one shoot. Plus, Amelia had shot our wedding. How cool that she was going to be able to capture this next step.

We wrote "Baby Lamberth December 2012" on that chalkboard heart for our announcement shots.

Clint was telling me in this picture he hoped the baby "had my brains."

We were so deliriously happy and in love.

Sunday morning I got up around 6:00 and had to pee. I wiped and saw the slightest tinge of pink and honestly didn't think much of it. Clint left to go to church and I went back to sleep since I didn't have to be there until 10:30. When I got up for the day and went to the bathroom, I saw more pink. I started to get uncomfortable seeing it, but I'd read it was normal. By the time it was time to go to church, it was a lot more than pink. I knew something wasn't right. I called Clint and told him. Told him I couldn't come to church. Told him I needed him to come home. I'd called the doctor on call at my OBGYN and she said to just stay in bed and come in the next day, but that if I was losing it, there was nothing they could do about it. 

I got off the phone with Clint and have never, ever felt so alone and desperate in my life. I sat in my bed literally crying out to God to save our baby. To make all of it go away. I was reminded so many times throughout the day that it wasn't going anywhere. Things were only looking more and more grim.

After some blood tests on Monday, it was confirmed that the baby had died. My levels were no where near where they should've been at 6 weeks. I'd had a miscarriage. I was no longer pregnant.

We weren't going to be parents.

not mine.

The further I get into being a mom, the more motherhood is being turned upside down for me.

I've caught myself calling Reuben "mine" more and more. He's "my" son. I decide what's best for him. I know what he needs. I know how to comfort him. I know what to do.

There's a whole lotta "my" and "I" in those sentences.

I heard some news today that rocked me to my core. I don't really want to share anything because it's not my news to share.

But I'll tell you this...

It's reminded me Reuben is NOT MINE.

He is GOD'S.

The Lord has blessed me with this giggly, strong willed, joyful little boy. I've done absolutely nothing to deserve him. Honestly, I don't deserve such a wonderful gift.

But God's entrusted him to me anyways, because that's how good He is.

He is God's. GOD knows what's best for him. GOD knows what he needs. GOD knows how to comfort him. GOD knows what to do.

I need to find the answers in God. I need to raise Reuben up knowing the truths of God. He's been given to me for the last 7.5 months and every single day has been a gift I don't deserve. If God decides to take him to heaven tomorrow, that's ultimately what's best for him.

He. Is. Not. MINE.

What a joy it is to have him in my life.