I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow.
And I'm terrified.
That is all.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
the Lord gives. the Lord takes away. Part 2.
Make sure you read part one before reading this.
So, the Lord had given us a baby.
And then the Lord took that baby away to be with Him.
I had been meditating in the fact that no matter what, the Lord was to be praised, but seriously? Why couldn't he have just given us that precious babe and never taken it away? Why did he have to bring that scripture up to me over and over and over again? It was like rubbing salt in a wound. Every time I thought of it, I'd instantly be angry that I had to know the side of praising the Lord even when He took something away. Let's be real. It's easy to praise the Lord when He's given us something! When he's taken that something away? It gets a lot harder.
The days following the miscarriage I cried. A LOT. Like an ugly, ugly cry. I'd never felt pain/hurt/sorrow like I did in those days. I was mad at God. SO mad. It wasn't fair. And I felt broken. Why couldn't my body carry a baby? And I felt so, so, so alone. Every where I looked was a reminder of the baby that wasn't going to be coming home with us in December.
But you know what?
Through all of it, God was good. More than good. He was great.
I'm honestly having a hard time putting into words how well He took care of us and how much he blessed us through the following days, but I want to share some moments so that He gets the glory and so that I'll never forget. Some of them are huge and some of them are so small you'll probably laugh that I even consider them a God thing. But every single one was proof of God not leaving us and was loving us so, so well...
- On Sunday, before we knew for sure what was happening, we jokingly said if we lost the baby, we'd tack on a trip to Disney World before our cruise because "You can't be sad at the happiest place on Earth." When we got off the phone with the nurse on Monday afternoon, Clint said, "Looks like we're heading to Disney." We had no money for that. Like zero. But we needed to get away. To put our minds somewhere else after the 48 hours of torture they'd already endured. Well, between Monday afternoon and Tuesday night before we'd gone to bed, we'd gotten a little over $500 out of no where. We hadn't asked anybody for a single penny, but between friends and family feeling prompted by God, we'd gotten close to $225 and then opened an envelope from our bank that had a $300 check from "overages on our escrow." I asked my dad if that happened a lot and he said no and we've never seen a check like it since that night. The money we'd gotten covered our gas, hotel room, tickets, and food in the park PERFECTLY. None left over, but nothing uncovered.
- Our friends went above and beyond taking care of us. We let our small group know what was going on Sunday and they jumped into action. Our friends Micha and Hunter came over with lunch, watched a movie with us, and prayed over us before they left. Our other friends Cara and Jason dropped off a surprise on our doorstep of goodies for our trip. We had constant texts telling us they were praying for us and encouragement for the long road ahead. God has surrounded us with the best friends we could ever ask for.
- A guy who works in our student ministry as a volunteer worked for Gaylord at the time and told us earlier in the year that he'd hook us up with a room at Gaylord Palms and a car to and from our cruise ship for only $100. We gladly took him up on the offer! So fast forward to Friday. We're exhausted by 6:00 pm because neither of us had been sleeping well so we decided to peace out of Magic Kingdom and go to our room and try and get sleep before our cruise. When we got to our room, we found out it wasn't an average room. He'd gotten us a suite that was bigger than our first apartment! It was gigantic. and perfect. and exactly the surprise we needed to lift our spirits.
- Sitting in our massive suite, our moods still started to droop. Night times were just so hard. Clint was getting ready for bed in the bathroom and I was sitting in the living room, trying not to cry when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and It was a tray full of goodies with a note from JB. Not only were there goodies, they were my FAVORITE goodies! It was Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke, chocolate chip cookies with milk, Peanut M&MS, and a few bags of potato chips. There was no way they knew those were all of my favorite guilty pleasures. It was a God thing. He knew I needed that little ray of sun in that moment.
- We booked our cruise in March 2011 and had it paid off 4-5 months before any of this ever happened. It was not a coincidence that it was 6 days after our miscarriage. The Lord knew we were going to need to get away and had provided it, before we ever knew it was a need.
Those are just the moments that happened the week after. There've been countless more. Like the fact God put me in a small group of staff wives where 4 out of the other 6 had experienced pregnancy loss. Or the time two dear friends prayed over me, at two different times, saying they felt like the Lord was going to give us another child soon, while I was already pregnant with Reuben and had no idea!
My relationship with Clint and with God changed completely on April 22, 2012. I know, love, and trust Clint in a deeper way than before. We grew up a lot. We were forced to be honest with each other. We saw sides of each other we'd never seen before, even after being best friends since middle school. And I know, love, and trust God more now than I ever have. I had to rely on him. He was my only hope. My only constant in a crazy storm. The only one who had any answers and who could provide comfort that passed all understanding.
Yes, we have a sweet child here on Earth with us now. And pray that we'll have more and more. But there will always be a special place in my heart for that baby. I long for the day I get to meet them in heaven. Until then, my prayer is that their life, no matter how short it was, will count. That what I learned from it will be able to help other women going through the same thing. You are NOT alone.
I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever ask to be put through that. Like, EVER. But.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God. Is. Good.
So, the Lord had given us a baby.
And then the Lord took that baby away to be with Him.
I had been meditating in the fact that no matter what, the Lord was to be praised, but seriously? Why couldn't he have just given us that precious babe and never taken it away? Why did he have to bring that scripture up to me over and over and over again? It was like rubbing salt in a wound. Every time I thought of it, I'd instantly be angry that I had to know the side of praising the Lord even when He took something away. Let's be real. It's easy to praise the Lord when He's given us something! When he's taken that something away? It gets a lot harder.
The days following the miscarriage I cried. A LOT. Like an ugly, ugly cry. I'd never felt pain/hurt/sorrow like I did in those days. I was mad at God. SO mad. It wasn't fair. And I felt broken. Why couldn't my body carry a baby? And I felt so, so, so alone. Every where I looked was a reminder of the baby that wasn't going to be coming home with us in December.
But you know what?
Through all of it, God was good. More than good. He was great.
I'm honestly having a hard time putting into words how well He took care of us and how much he blessed us through the following days, but I want to share some moments so that He gets the glory and so that I'll never forget. Some of them are huge and some of them are so small you'll probably laugh that I even consider them a God thing. But every single one was proof of God not leaving us and was loving us so, so well...
- On Sunday, before we knew for sure what was happening, we jokingly said if we lost the baby, we'd tack on a trip to Disney World before our cruise because "You can't be sad at the happiest place on Earth." When we got off the phone with the nurse on Monday afternoon, Clint said, "Looks like we're heading to Disney." We had no money for that. Like zero. But we needed to get away. To put our minds somewhere else after the 48 hours of torture they'd already endured. Well, between Monday afternoon and Tuesday night before we'd gone to bed, we'd gotten a little over $500 out of no where. We hadn't asked anybody for a single penny, but between friends and family feeling prompted by God, we'd gotten close to $225 and then opened an envelope from our bank that had a $300 check from "overages on our escrow." I asked my dad if that happened a lot and he said no and we've never seen a check like it since that night. The money we'd gotten covered our gas, hotel room, tickets, and food in the park PERFECTLY. None left over, but nothing uncovered.
- Our friends went above and beyond taking care of us. We let our small group know what was going on Sunday and they jumped into action. Our friends Micha and Hunter came over with lunch, watched a movie with us, and prayed over us before they left. Our other friends Cara and Jason dropped off a surprise on our doorstep of goodies for our trip. We had constant texts telling us they were praying for us and encouragement for the long road ahead. God has surrounded us with the best friends we could ever ask for.
- A guy who works in our student ministry as a volunteer worked for Gaylord at the time and told us earlier in the year that he'd hook us up with a room at Gaylord Palms and a car to and from our cruise ship for only $100. We gladly took him up on the offer! So fast forward to Friday. We're exhausted by 6:00 pm because neither of us had been sleeping well so we decided to peace out of Magic Kingdom and go to our room and try and get sleep before our cruise. When we got to our room, we found out it wasn't an average room. He'd gotten us a suite that was bigger than our first apartment! It was gigantic. and perfect. and exactly the surprise we needed to lift our spirits.
- Sitting in our massive suite, our moods still started to droop. Night times were just so hard. Clint was getting ready for bed in the bathroom and I was sitting in the living room, trying not to cry when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and It was a tray full of goodies with a note from JB. Not only were there goodies, they were my FAVORITE goodies! It was Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke, chocolate chip cookies with milk, Peanut M&MS, and a few bags of potato chips. There was no way they knew those were all of my favorite guilty pleasures. It was a God thing. He knew I needed that little ray of sun in that moment.
- We booked our cruise in March 2011 and had it paid off 4-5 months before any of this ever happened. It was not a coincidence that it was 6 days after our miscarriage. The Lord knew we were going to need to get away and had provided it, before we ever knew it was a need.
Those are just the moments that happened the week after. There've been countless more. Like the fact God put me in a small group of staff wives where 4 out of the other 6 had experienced pregnancy loss. Or the time two dear friends prayed over me, at two different times, saying they felt like the Lord was going to give us another child soon, while I was already pregnant with Reuben and had no idea!
My relationship with Clint and with God changed completely on April 22, 2012. I know, love, and trust Clint in a deeper way than before. We grew up a lot. We were forced to be honest with each other. We saw sides of each other we'd never seen before, even after being best friends since middle school. And I know, love, and trust God more now than I ever have. I had to rely on him. He was my only hope. My only constant in a crazy storm. The only one who had any answers and who could provide comfort that passed all understanding.
Yes, we have a sweet child here on Earth with us now. And pray that we'll have more and more. But there will always be a special place in my heart for that baby. I long for the day I get to meet them in heaven. Until then, my prayer is that their life, no matter how short it was, will count. That what I learned from it will be able to help other women going through the same thing. You are NOT alone.
I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever ask to be put through that. Like, EVER. But.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God. Is. Good.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
the Lord gives. the Lord takes away. Part 1.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I've been feeling prompted to share my (God's) story and I can't let this month pass by without doing it. It's a long story so I'm breaking it up in part one and part two. Here goes...
I can't for the life of me remember why I decided to take a test that Monday night. Clint was staying with our pastor's sons while he and his wife were out of town and I'd just left them for the evening at Buffalo Wild Wings. I wonder if something had tasted funny and got me to thinking, "When was I supposed to start again? Oh yea. Today."
Whatever it was, I decided to take a test when I got home. Just me and our dogs. I went to the bathroom and left the test to do it's thing while I let the dogs out. I came back 5 minutes later, just like the test told me to... and there was a second line. WHAT?!?!?! So obviously, I freak out. Like have a mini panic attack. I call Clint, trying to be calm...
Me: Um... I need you to come home.
Clint: Why?
Me: Because.
Clint: Because, why? I can't just leave Sam and Josh here.
Me: BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT AND FREAKING OUT IS WHY!!!
Clint: What?!
Me: I'm pregnant. Don't you dare tell Josh and Sam. Just get here. Now.
As I sat there and waited for him, I started to journal. We'd been trying for quite a few months by that point, and I wanted to remember every second of this moment. The only thing I could think of was Job 1:21.
We wrote "Baby Lamberth December 2012" on that chalkboard heart for our announcement shots.
Clint was telling me in this picture he hoped the baby "had my brains."
I can't for the life of me remember why I decided to take a test that Monday night. Clint was staying with our pastor's sons while he and his wife were out of town and I'd just left them for the evening at Buffalo Wild Wings. I wonder if something had tasted funny and got me to thinking, "When was I supposed to start again? Oh yea. Today."
Whatever it was, I decided to take a test when I got home. Just me and our dogs. I went to the bathroom and left the test to do it's thing while I let the dogs out. I came back 5 minutes later, just like the test told me to... and there was a second line. WHAT?!?!?! So obviously, I freak out. Like have a mini panic attack. I call Clint, trying to be calm...
Me: Um... I need you to come home.
Clint: Why?
Me: Because.
Clint: Because, why? I can't just leave Sam and Josh here.
Me: BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT AND FREAKING OUT IS WHY!!!
Clint: What?!
Me: I'm pregnant. Don't you dare tell Josh and Sam. Just get here. Now.
As I sat there and waited for him, I started to journal. We'd been trying for quite a few months by that point, and I wanted to remember every second of this moment. The only thing I could think of was Job 1:21.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
I knew how delicate new life is and I knew I wanted to love and celebrate this baby that God had given me for this moment because I wasn't guaranteed another.
Clint got home and we screamed and celebrated. Called our best friends, Jonathan and Miriam, and just tried to let it soak in.
We were going to be parents.
I was about 5 weeks along and we started doing all of the exciting baby things we'd been talking about doing. We went to Target to find some cute stuff as gifts to tell our parents. We got Clint's parents a little onesie that said something about grandma and we got my parents a copy of "Go Dog Go" because it was my favorite book when I was little and wrote in there it was for them to read to their grandbaby. We recorded it all. They were and still are precious memories.
We had scheduled a Disney cruise for the end of the month and a couple of the excursions weren't pregnancy friendly so I went online and canceled them, joyfully.
We had some family pictures scheduled with our photographer, Amelia Moore, for that Friday. What perfect timing! We could take announcement pictures to use when we were in the safe zone AND capture our life before baby in one shoot. Plus, Amelia had shot our wedding. How cool that she was going to be able to capture this next step.
We wrote "Baby Lamberth December 2012" on that chalkboard heart for our announcement shots.
Clint was telling me in this picture he hoped the baby "had my brains."
We were so deliriously happy and in love.
Sunday morning I got up around 6:00 and had to pee. I wiped and saw the slightest tinge of pink and honestly didn't think much of it. Clint left to go to church and I went back to sleep since I didn't have to be there until 10:30. When I got up for the day and went to the bathroom, I saw more pink. I started to get uncomfortable seeing it, but I'd read it was normal. By the time it was time to go to church, it was a lot more than pink. I knew something wasn't right. I called Clint and told him. Told him I couldn't come to church. Told him I needed him to come home. I'd called the doctor on call at my OBGYN and she said to just stay in bed and come in the next day, but that if I was losing it, there was nothing they could do about it.
I got off the phone with Clint and have never, ever felt so alone and desperate in my life. I sat in my bed literally crying out to God to save our baby. To make all of it go away. I was reminded so many times throughout the day that it wasn't going anywhere. Things were only looking more and more grim.
After some blood tests on Monday, it was confirmed that the baby had died. My levels were no where near where they should've been at 6 weeks. I'd had a miscarriage. I was no longer pregnant.
We weren't going to be parents.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
not mine.
The further I get into being a mom, the more motherhood is being turned upside down for me.
I've caught myself calling Reuben "mine" more and more. He's "my" son. I decide what's best for him. I know what he needs. I know how to comfort him. I know what to do.
There's a whole lotta "my" and "I" in those sentences.
I heard some news today that rocked me to my core. I don't really want to share anything because it's not my news to share.
But I'll tell you this...
It's reminded me Reuben is NOT MINE.
He is GOD'S.
The Lord has blessed me with this giggly, strong willed, joyful little boy. I've done absolutely nothing to deserve him. Honestly, I don't deserve such a wonderful gift.
But God's entrusted him to me anyways, because that's how good He is.
He is God's. GOD knows what's best for him. GOD knows what he needs. GOD knows how to comfort him. GOD knows what to do.
I need to find the answers in God. I need to raise Reuben up knowing the truths of God. He's been given to me for the last 7.5 months and every single day has been a gift I don't deserve. If God decides to take him to heaven tomorrow, that's ultimately what's best for him.
He. Is. Not. MINE.
What a joy it is to have him in my life.
I've caught myself calling Reuben "mine" more and more. He's "my" son. I decide what's best for him. I know what he needs. I know how to comfort him. I know what to do.
There's a whole lotta "my" and "I" in those sentences.
I heard some news today that rocked me to my core. I don't really want to share anything because it's not my news to share.
But I'll tell you this...
It's reminded me Reuben is NOT MINE.
He is GOD'S.
The Lord has blessed me with this giggly, strong willed, joyful little boy. I've done absolutely nothing to deserve him. Honestly, I don't deserve such a wonderful gift.
But God's entrusted him to me anyways, because that's how good He is.
He is God's. GOD knows what's best for him. GOD knows what he needs. GOD knows how to comfort him. GOD knows what to do.
I need to find the answers in God. I need to raise Reuben up knowing the truths of God. He's been given to me for the last 7.5 months and every single day has been a gift I don't deserve. If God decides to take him to heaven tomorrow, that's ultimately what's best for him.
He. Is. Not. MINE.
What a joy it is to have him in my life.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
7 months
Weight: I'm going to guess around 18-19. Carrying him around in his 15 lb car seat is quite the chore now, so it only goes in and out of the house. We just carry him in everywhere else we go unless he's asleep.
Health: Still rockin' it on the healthy train. He's had a runny nose and a small cough, but I'm 99.9% sure it's due to his mean tooth coming in.
Sleep: IN HIS CRIB!!! Putting him to sleep has been getting better and easier every night since we moved him in there and taught him how to put himself back to sleep. Saturday night was really, really bad in the middle of the night, but I'm chalking it up to the tooth. He's even napping alright in there now. I'm weirdly proud of him. Oh. And he TOTALLY slept through the night two different times. It was like mom-heaven.
Social: He celebrated his first Grandparent's day!
And he's been out and about more and more. He loves sitting in high chairs and "talking" to waiters when we're out to eat. The kid seriously doesn't know a stranger. Takes after his daddy.
Diet: 95% breastmilk. It's still mostly out of convenience. Solids take a while and I love how easy nursing is. I've started giving him pieces of what I'm eating though and he seems to really like it! The other night at Carrabbas, he ate a little of everything I had! He also loves black beans, yogurt melts, and banana flavored mummums. If you don't know what a mummum is and you have a little baby, check them out!
Baby Gear Love: He's finally understanding his Johnny Jump-Up. Maybe not the actual jumping part, but he's loving to stand in it. And he could care less about this, but I'm LOVING his monitor! Having a video monitor gives me so much peace at night because I can see exactly what's going on.
Likes: Chewing on everything. I mean everything. Wearing shoes. Being tickled by my hair. Being thrown up in the air. Standing. Eating people food.
Crying: A little more than normal this month. He's starting to realize I can leave him and he does this really whiny, fussy cry when I walk out of the room. Teething cries are becoming more and more common, too. Those things are really, really horrible.
Postpartum: I feel like I'm just about back to normal. Him sleeping longer at night is throwing my hormones for a loop, but physically I feel normal.
Milestones: He's got two teeth now! His smile with those little nubs is just too cute for words.
And he stayed overnight with my parents while Clint and I were at a staff retreat on the other side of Nashville. He did SUCH a great job, but I was really ready to see him by the next day!
And he stayed overnight with my parents while Clint and I were at a staff retreat on the other side of Nashville. He did SUCH a great job, but I was really ready to see him by the next day!
Reuben,
You've started to realize I can leave you. In a way, it's really sad to see you frustrated when I walk away, but in another, I love the smile you get on your face when I walk back. You've started reaching up for me when you want me and you leave my heart in a little puddle. You're finding your voice more and more and learning to make new sounds. I cannot wait for the day you finally decide to say "mama" and "dada" even if you don't know what you mean!!
Mama and Dada love you more than you could ever know little man!
Love,
Mama
Monday, September 16, 2013
like father, like son
If I had a quarter for every time someone's told Reuben, "You look just like your daddy," I'd be rich. Seriously. I hear it at least four times a day and it's commented on a picture another 2 probably. That's like $1.50 a day. So maybe I wouldn't be rich... but I could go out to a really nice dinner!
Ok, but seriously. Look at this.
Ok, but seriously. Look at this.
Reuben quit taking his paci and will only fall asleep chewing/sucking on a burp cloth. It's like they're the same person.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
6 Month Must Haves
1. Hylands Teething Tablets- These little gems have saved a small part of my sanity. I'm in no way above giving my kid Tylenol/Ibuprofen, but these things seem to seriously help him in the pain department. I usually give them toward the 3 hour after medicine mark when things start getting uncomfortable and he'll normally level back out in the moodiness department.
2. Sophie the Giraffe- I originally thought this thing was way over-hyped. I mean it's essentially a really expensive chew toy. But now I've seen the light. Reuben is obsessed with Sophie. He gets this ridiculous grin on his face when I make it squeak and will chew on it for a solid 30 minutes which is a really long time in baby-time. I love her. Like a lot.
3. aden + anias Burpy Bib- We got one of these as a hand me down and I've loved it! It wouldn't be good for a wear-around-the-house bib since it's so big, but it's perfect for catching all the drops of food that are inevitable when starting solids. Honestly, we haven't done a ton of solids so it doesn't get a whole lot of use in the kitchen, but it's Reuben's absolute favorite thing to sleep with. He sucks and chews on it to get to sleep in his crib and since it's muslin, I'm not afraid if it falls over his face for a little while.
4. Gerber Yogurt Melts- I picked a pack of these up on a whim when we were in Louisville for a wedding. I figured if I could keep his mouth busy, he wouldn't make noise during the wedding. My plan failed, but at least I found out he likes these! They're pretty tasty and have kept him entertained since then in church and at restaurants.
5. Where is Baby's Belly Button?- Reuben loves this book. Like L-O-V-E-S it. The colors are vivid, the flaps are entertaining, and it's a great way to start introducing him to different body parts. We normally end a reading with a fun game of peek-a-boo which is always a hit.
6. Baby Einstein Take Along Tunes- We don't actually own this toy, but it's been a gigantic hit in the nursery at church. He's in there for an hour on Sunday mornings and a couple hours on Tuesday mornings while my mom goes to a bible study and plays with it all the time. He loves the music and the lights. And from a mama's perspective, classical music coming from a toy is a lot easier to handle than some of the other songs I've heard come from baby toys. This is on my to-buy-for-our-house list.
7. Carter's Cotton Zip-Up Sleep and Play- Now that little man is in his own crib, we're breaking out the footie pjs again. He got too hot sleeping in bed with us so he'd only sleep in a onesie. He's always cute, but a baby in footie pjs makes my heart pitter patter just a little harder. I especially love the cotton Carter's pjs because they fit him perfectly right now. Not baggy, but not tight. Just the right amount of snugness to show off his little round belly and chunky thighs. And a zipper is almost a must. Dude is in an "I hate to have my clothes changed" stage so the quicker and easier, the better.
What about you? What got you through your kiddo's 6th month of life?
5. Where is Baby's Belly Button?- Reuben loves this book. Like L-O-V-E-S it. The colors are vivid, the flaps are entertaining, and it's a great way to start introducing him to different body parts. We normally end a reading with a fun game of peek-a-boo which is always a hit.
6. Baby Einstein Take Along Tunes- We don't actually own this toy, but it's been a gigantic hit in the nursery at church. He's in there for an hour on Sunday mornings and a couple hours on Tuesday mornings while my mom goes to a bible study and plays with it all the time. He loves the music and the lights. And from a mama's perspective, classical music coming from a toy is a lot easier to handle than some of the other songs I've heard come from baby toys. This is on my to-buy-for-our-house list.
7. Carter's Cotton Zip-Up Sleep and Play- Now that little man is in his own crib, we're breaking out the footie pjs again. He got too hot sleeping in bed with us so he'd only sleep in a onesie. He's always cute, but a baby in footie pjs makes my heart pitter patter just a little harder. I especially love the cotton Carter's pjs because they fit him perfectly right now. Not baggy, but not tight. Just the right amount of snugness to show off his little round belly and chunky thighs. And a zipper is almost a must. Dude is in an "I hate to have my clothes changed" stage so the quicker and easier, the better.
What about you? What got you through your kiddo's 6th month of life?
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